Agent South Dakota

[ownperson]

● Agent South Dakota
fucking bullshit
[video | audio | text]

Comments

[ownperson]

[ She nods, as if she'll ever ask; the times she admits she needs North around have always been the exception, even if the times she's needed him at all are more frequent than she'll ever admit. ]

But she isn't thinking about that. She can't. Instead, South snickers. ]

I have never related less to a sentence in my fuckin' life.

[ Guys? Nope. Not realising she's into someone? Nope. ]

You're lucky you have me around. How fuckin' long have you been thinking about him as hot and it not clicked, Drew? How long?

[bothbarrels]

Oh, god.

[ He laughs, and laughs. He doesn't even know. ]

Few...years? At this point?

I mean, he's nice to look at. It's not like he's modest.

[ownperson]

Oh my god.

[ She's laughing again, too, dropping her head into her hands. Her shoulders keep shaking with it even after the laughter stops so she can talk. ]

Once again: cannot fuckin' relate. But— fucking hell, Drew. A few years. I shouldn't even be surprised! I know this shit about you! But a few years?

[bothbarrels]

[ He's laughing now, too. ]

It was just so nice to see him again, here. It kicked off a crush, I guess! What the hell do I know?!

[ He leans toward her, reaching for her hand again. ]

I swear, at least...75% of my crushes I don't even notice before you do.

[ownperson]

[ There's that stupid pang again. He got so... lucky, York turning up here. And here she is, surrounded by no one but people she's pissed off or hurt or— nope. Nope. Can't do that. Not right now.

She lifts her head so he can get at her hand, blowing her hair out of her face and grinning at him. ]

Oh, yeah, at least that many. At least. It's like I said when we were texting, I'm right more than I'm wrong. I know you too fuckin' well! Your behaviour towards people shifts just slightly and I can just tell. You're so predictable. To me, anyway.

[bothbarrels]

[ He continues to grin, wrapping her hand in his. ]

You're so much better at that than me. Love is just...it eludes me.

[ownperson]

[ Good at spotting it in him, terrible at doing anything successful about it in herself. Again, she pushes the thoughts down.

She gives his hand a tight squeeze. ]

Yeah, until I smack you in the face with it. And every time you act as if I'm talking nonsense, yet almost every time... [ she gestures vaguely ] you just need the shove. You managed this perfectly well on your own once I pointed it out.

[bothbarrels]

Yeah, I sure did.

[ His gaze goes distant for just a second while his grin gets bigger. He immediately comes back to himself and squeezes her hand. ]

Between the two of us we manage to make things happen the right way, I guess.

[ownperson]

We have always been a good team.

[ She jokes and then she groans, at that look on his stupid face, shaking his hand with hers enough to shake his whole body as it hits her what he was probably thinking about. Rolls her eyes, at him, even as she offers again: ]

And like I said, I'll help cover for you whenever you like... need that.

[ And even as something she doesn't quite recognise for the jealousy it is wraps around her chest. ]

[bothbarrels]

[ He picks up on her realizing what he was thinking, and winks. That's all he's going to say about that though. ]

I'd appreciate that. In this place...

[ Well. It's a dangerous place to realize you've fallen in love. ]

[ownperson]

Yeah, in this place.

[ She doesn't need to say more than that, she knows what he means. She gives that hand a squeeze again. ]

You just have to be careful. And if anyone official asks, you always sleep in our room, nowhere else.

[ She can do that much for him. Her chest tightens again. ]

Gotta take what happiness you can, here.

[bothbarrels]

[ He nods. ]

Thanks.

[ His smile grows softer at the latter statement. ]

I am certainly trying.

[ownperson]

...I really am happy for you, Drew. I know I said that already, but...

[ She doesn't flinch externally, but she does internally; does that sound too much like she's reaffirming it to herself? She isn't, she's genuinely happy for him, all the bullshit with York and Delta aside she knows the two of them should be good for each other.

It's just all these other stupid feelings. She needs to focus on being happy for North. If she focuses on that he won't notice and she won't derail his good day. ]

[bothbarrels]

I know, Nat. Thank you. You're awesome.

[ At least, when she's interacting with him, she is. She needs to figure out how to be awesome with other people, too, thinks. Especially York and Delta. ]

[ownperson]

[ She snorts a laugh, kicks him again. ]

Glad someone thinks so.

[ Goddammit, that was not how she should have phrased that. Glad you think so, for fuck's sake. ]

[bothbarrels]

Someone does. Very much so.

Honestly, if you could...

[ He stills a bit. Should he address this, here, now? They're still holding hands, and everything's good. He just wishes everything was good for York, who misses his AI so much.

He doesn't sigh, but there's a breath of air that seems caught in his throat. When he speaks again it's a bit slower. ]

Honestly, Nat. Delta belongs with York and I think you know it.

[ownperson]

[ She'd braced herself to have to deflect something, a question about if she was okay that she'd bat aside because it wasn't time for that—but that wasn't it.

For a second she's genuinely frozen by surprise. Her mouth opens, closes, and she takes a breath as she looks at the floor. Goddammit.

She doesn't let go of his hand, though she considers it for a moment. ]

...probably shoulda seen that one coming, huh.

[ Doesn't even deny he's right. By now, she's plenty aware of that, on some level at least. ]

[bothbarrels]

I don't know. I didn't say it because of what just happened. I've been trying to figure out how to address it with you for weeks.

[ A squeeze, then. ]

You know the connection I have with Theta. You've watched it for years.

York and Delta have the same kind of connection. And you don't have that with him.

[ He looks off into the middle distance, thinking, then sighs. ]

If only they'd been willing to give you a chance and assign you one that fit you, you'd understand better. But we know now what they were doing and...and, I don't know. I don't know any way to make it better for you or make it up to you when you do give him up. You're just going to be someone who failed to integrate with her AI.

You have to just, you know. Do it to be nice.

[ownperson]

[ She swallows. Her tongue's tied. She considers, again, letting go of his hand, but it's almost the only thing grounding her in that moment. She knew they'd talk about this, eventually; North would never be able to let it lie forever, but she'd hoped... ]

When have I ever been 'nice'.

[ It's not sharp, it's almost... flat. She sighs. ]

We... we talked, about this shit, little after the whole babawhatever. York, and me.

[ The way he's talking about it she's half sure York's already told North, or maybe that's just the way these two talk about their goddamn AI. ]

About... all that stupid shit. Integration, how... I don't know. Said shit about Delta just being... being like a part of his brain, I don't know.

That is correct. York, specifically, described our integration as me being a part of his brain, processing things along with him. I believe that such a description is as accurate as such simple terms can allow for.

[ South all but jumps out of her skin when Delta projects. ]

Jesus fucking—

[bothbarrels]

[ He brings his other hand around to sandwich her hand between both of his. ]

You can always start now.

[ He listens when Delta speaks, watching her as she jumps. ]

You see? Delta misses York, too. And you're so out of sync with him that you jumped when he projected.

[ownperson]

[ Her arm tugs, just slightly, against his grip before she relaxes it and lets her hand stay. She feels like it'd be shaking, if he wasn't holding it. ]

Because he lives in a puck! I can't— I can't tell when he's gonna do anything!

[ She huffs, a little. It's not even a good argument, if anything it proves his point. Delta's projected close enough to cast her face in green light and she turns her head away from him. ]

You say 'start now' like— like it's so simple, Drew. You know it's not.

[bothbarrels]

[ He continues to hold onto her hand, since she didn't pull it away. ]

Look, you'd be the first to tell people I'm an asshole, but I know when to do something kind.

[ownperson]

Right, because you're the fucking nice one, the one everyone—

[ She physically bites her tongue. She doesn't want to fight with him. She really doesn't, not anymore.

The mess of emotions she's spent half the conversation suppressing have been stirred up again. She swallows, tastes iron. Exhales. ]

It is simple for you. But it isn't for me. I can't just— just—

[ She can't give up, can she? Because then she did everything she did for nothing. ]

[bothbarrels]

[ He notices that she actually bit her tongue. He waits for a moment after she cuts herself off to see if she'll continue, and then, very quietly: ]

Why not?

[ownperson]

[ She swallows again, flinches at the iron taste and can't bring herself to look at him. If she looks at his face she'll remember him holding back tears, she'll remember his composure cracking, and goddammit she just wanted to focus on being happy for him and helping him this time, not this. ]

Because— because—

[ It's there on the tip of her bleeding tongue, but it's stuck. She squeezes tight with the hand he's holding. ]