goneawaycomms | Agent South Dakota

[ She's shaking in his arms and she can't help but feel pathetic for it, even as she clings tighter, fists balled in his uniform. She let him die, she let him die and she suffered the consequences and yet he's here comforting her and fuck. ]

I— I know. I know. You're here and— and you know, you know how much I fucked up, and— fuck.

[ Exhale. Inhale. She rubs her face on his shoulder to try and stop the tears but it doesn't help. So many emotions all tangled up, all warring to get out. She's never tried to put most of this in words, still can't get them quite right even as she does. ]

[ He stays still, steady as a rock, to comfort her. ]

Yeah, I do know. I know about everything, right? And I'm still here.

[ It might have been rough going right after her confession—he'd needed some time—but that was all. Time, not a rejection. ]

[ She nods, clinging ever tighter. He's still here, despite it all. He should hate her, but he's still here. ]

You're here. [ it's quiet, barely audible ] You're... you're here.

[ She takes another deep, shuddering breath and squeezes her eyes shut tight. ]

It's like— it's like being pulled two ways. All— all the time. Like... Like...

[ She stalls, stuck on the words. ]

[ He continues to hold steady, despite her leaning on him. He pets a hand through the ends of her hair. ]

What is?

Us. Being— being us. I need... I need to be—

[ Her tongue ties up again and she breathes, focuses on physically sensation, grounds herself. He's not going anywhere. ]

I need to be my own person, Drew, but no one's ever— I've never— I can never— I don't know—

[ Inhale, exhale. A part of her wants to scream. Admitting all of this hurts, it hurts in a way she can't even describe, but so does holding it all in. ]

[ He almost feels amused, but he stuffs that down. Of course she's her own person, so much more than he is—can't she see that? ]

Two ways... Like you want to be a part of being us, but you also want to be your own?

[ She nods again, sagging a little with relief that he seems to understand, this time. That he can hear her. ]

I always— I always thought I didn't need us, but then you were gone and... and nothing made sense. But I fought so long to try and be me, for people to not just— just see me as your sister, as the bad twin. To try and have my own life! But now—

[ Exhale. Inhale. It's so conflicting. To know that life without him makes no sense, but that when he's here she can't seem to find the life she needs, whilst he has that. ]

Now I'm here and it makes sense again.

[ He gently pulls back. ]

You don't have to be the 'bad twin' to be your own, you know.

S'not like that's what I wanted to be.

[ She sniffles, a little. Her face is streaked with tear trails and she tries to wipe them off because goddammit. ]

S'just... what I am, it's what everyone sees in us. Everyone, Drew. Compare me to you and...

I don't know who I am if I'm not... all of that.

[ She almost looks small, despite the fact she's anything but. Being this open doesn't come easy to her, North knows that better than anyone. This may be the rawest he's ever seen her. ]

[ He watches her for a moment before responding. ]

Okay, well, you're abrasive and tough, so some people might see you that way. I don't, though, you know that? And I know you better than anyone.

[ He sits back on his heels, keeping his hands on her shoulders. ]

I hate to say this but it's true. What you became, after PFL? It was what they'd done to you. You remember when I had to come talk to you about petitioning for one of Carolina's AIs? What did I say? I was disappointed in you, because you knew better than that, yeah?

[ Her hands come up to rest on his wrists, not holding him in place any more than he's doing himself but rather keeping herself steady, too. Exhale, inhale. ]

I— I know that. I think.

[ Inhale, exhale. ]

Yeah. Yeah, I remember.

[ He allows that, not moving. ]

You think you would have done that before going through the program? Or do you agree with me, that it was what happened, watching me and everyone get AIs and then not getting one?

[ Her brow knits a little. She gets what he's saying, but trying to pull apart what was her, what was the Project... it's messy, all intertwined. Would she, before everything that happened? Put in a request that relied on her squadmate dying, on the hope or assumption that they would because then she'd finally get what she wanted herself? ]

I... I don't—

[ She squeezes his wrists, just a little. ]

I don't think I would? Before.

Yeah. Me neither.

[ He stands on his knees again, coming back up from sitting on his heels. ]

Thing is I know you, better than anyone, and Tex warned me about you before we left the Project and I didn't even believe her because I had known you for too long to be able to see what had happened. You know what she called you? A vulture.

[ He looks her in the eye, a look of compassion and commiseration. He never believed she had become a vulture, and then he himself paid the price. ]

But I know you, Nat. I know you have kindness and generosity and everything in you. It's just that they killed it off back there.

[ She flinches, slightly, at the word ‘vulture’; that’s what she’d become, wasn’t it? Fuck. Fuck. He shouldn’t even forgive her. How is it he can forgive her?

Her eyes are wet and filled with vulnerability, with shame. ]

S’all— s’all mixed up. I don’t know how... I don’t know how you can even tell the fuckin’ difference...

[ She’s always been a problem, even for him, especially for him. She’s always been the rough one, the one no one expects better of. Did she really change that much? Hadn’t she always been this way, when she always felt like people expected the worst, even when they were younger? ]

Between who you were and who you became?

[ He gives her shoulders a squeeze. ]

Because you were different after. Full stop. That's not who you were before.

Never... never felt like I was changing, I thought...

[ It's so much harder to see a change in yourself, especially as it happens, especially when that change is something no one else seemed to realise was a sign something was wrong. She was always the person causing problems, not a person with a problem. Not a person who needed help to stop going down a path she couldn't find a way off. ]

Look, you've always been abrasive, strong-willed...maybe a little selfish...but asking for an AI just in case the host died? That wasn't you. Never. I hardly believed it when I was told.

[ She flinches again as he lays it out flat, aloud, but it... helps, actually, and she nods. Exhales. ]

I remember— remember feeling like it was what I was owed. [ she pulls a face, she knows how it sounds and she knows it was downright callous ] Fuck. Fuck.

[ She curls in on herself, just a little. What did they do to her? ]

[ He frowns slightly, giving her shoulders another little rub. ]

Maybe you were. Because they'd been withholding it for so long. But you weren't that opportunistic before they did what they did. You did think of others.

[ Some of this might also have to do with CT leaving, but he doesn't say that. He wonders, though. It all seemed to be part of a slippery slope that she found herself on with nothing to hold onto—nothing but him, anyway. ]

[ She squeezes his wrists again. ]

S'like they knew just how to get under my fucking skin, how to... how to fuck me up.

[ She can see it, now; parts of it, anyway. Has been able to, on some level, ever since Delta told her about the experiment in the first place, but it's getting clearer. And it had been so easy for them; towards the end she was detached from everyone, pushed to the fringes. Barely ranking within the squad from all the demotions. North occupied with Theta. CT gone. ]

They did, South. They knew everything about you, remember? And you think that they weren't willing to use that to their advantage?

[ Hell, they'd even done it with Carolina, of all people. ]

Please, just...think about it, at least.

[ They strayed so long ago from the original topic that he might need to remind her what it is. ]

Giving Delta back, I mean. York misses him, so much.

[ She nods, a little, face all twisted up at the uncomfortable thought of just how much they knew, just how much they had to use against them.

And the twisting resolves into a little frown. ]

I— I wasn't trying to deflect. I swear. I just fuckin—

[ Inhale, exhale. ]

It's okay.

[ He removes his hands from her shoulders, just enough to wrap his arms around her. God, this place has them hugging a lot. ]

Just think about it. Promise me you will.

[ She wraps her arms around him in turn and presses her face into his shoulder. No more tears, even if it may still be a little damp from when she was crying. ]

I— okay. I-I'll... I'll think. Promise.

[ Fuck. Her fists ball in his shirt again. ]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject