goneawaycomms | Counselor Aiden Price

[Dan's a little bit high when he goes to see the Counselor two days after the memory share, which is what pushes him to actually do something other than sit in his top bunk sulking over having his memories rifled through by the powers that be again, drawing on the ceiling. He has both a black and silver sharpie, so he can continue to cover his own work, the ceiling a renewable sketchpad so long as he's willing to destroy the things he's already made. He draws other people's memories in uncannily-accurate shorthand in silver, then covers them in black, repeat.

Whenever their memories get invaded, Dan takes it hard. He's made a life's work of trying to forget the things he can't have back. He's shed his name, his religion, his identity over and over again to careen back and forth across the continent outrunning the times he can't return to and yet that poison his present. It's hard to get high on the Rig. It takes effort and planning and drawing on that year of networking Dan's done with the staff to get something from a pharmacy tech to take the edge of Dan's mood, to make his sorrow and pissiness gauzy and tender instead of caustic. But, desperate times. Desperate efforts.

He wraps his knuckles on the frame to Price's room, one hand in his pocket, finding that while he isn't angry, everything feels unresolved. He feels misunderstood, and he feels that somehow his own weaknesses are being used to fuel someone else's antisocial problems, and as such he has to do something. And whenever he's lacked other options or resources, he's always had the ability to talk smooth and meet people halfway.]

Counselor? I took your advice. Turns out it's just that I don't lump you in with lost causes. [He leans against the doorframe, raising an eyebrow.] But I do reckon we owe each other a conversation.

Edited 2021-04-18 22:59 (UTC)

D-Daniel?

[Price is relieved because he had internally prayed for Dan not to give up on him, but at the same time he feels a sense of dread knowing that he most likely will mess it up. He takes a deep breath, he doesn't want his negative feelings to convert into anger, he needs to stay calm. Still, he's not sure he wants to address it. In fact, he doesn't.]

You look sick! You should sit down.

[He grabs Dan by an arm and walks him to his bed. Sure, the physical contact is not ideal, but the mix of hopeful and hopeless feel that troubles him is so intense that circles back into being dim, a distant whooshing sound in the giant hole in his chest. A self destructive part of him figures that if Dan wants to take advantage of it and amplify the sensation, it might as well give him the courage to put an end to this...]

Here.

[Oh boy, he doesn't want to deal with this.]

You didn't have to bother to come here. You should be spending this free time with your friends instead.

I'm fine, I'm fine. [He doesn't shrug Price's arm off or use his power, although it crosses his mind that he could. He could cut the guessing games short, find out now if he's actually connecting with Price or if he's like a bird confused by the reflection in a window, flinging himself over and over at something that won't yield.

Thank God for whatever synthetic tab he got from the pharmacy tech, which has taken the roughness of the world and is filtering it through a kind of golden light inside him, making everything a little softer and less frustrating than it could be. He sits down on the bed.]

You are my friend. [Dan's mouth tugs to the side as he says that; it's not a dishonest expression. It's the kind someone makes when they open an envelope and find a bill, resigned, grim, a little put-out.] But I can't tell if you're telling me you're not because you're trying to bait me into saying you're my friend so you can feel good about it, or so you can disagree with me.

I'm not sure what I am baiting you into, yet.

[He's both annoyed at Dan saying it and at the fact that he thinks it might be true. Everyone has always treated him like he was up to something, so much that as soon as he gets a feeling he thinks he's subconsciously making a plan that he doesn't know what it is yet. He just gives up to the hard evidence that everything he does or says is baiting.]

...But whatever it is that you want to accomplish, I'm afraid I can't give it to you.

[There are things that you can't just love away.]

Saying you don't count as my friend because you know I'll reflexively tell you that you are. I just don't know if you want to hear me say you're my friend so you can hear it, or so you can disagree with me and argue about it.

[Dan, by contrast, is always very intentional in his manipulative and dishonest behavior. They may have both developed their penchants for working people over as a means to survive in a world that left people like them few alternatives, but Dan never manipulates by accident, only by design.

It means he can always turn it off and just be straight and honest, which is how he came today. No tricks, no lies, and, unfortunately, no way to make that explicit and believable to the Counselor.]

Why, when you saw I was upset seeing my daughter, did you act all callous when prior to this you been good and gentle with me when I was drunk or over breakfast?

[Ah, being confronted one on one, without a bigger guy to hide behind physically or otherwise. Price hates it, he has nowhere to hide and no amount of making himself look tiny and innocent is going to help. Should he mess this up on purpose? He wants to mess this up on purpose, the anger is constantly boiling, waiting to melt all the other emotions within itself.]

As you may have noticed, being good and gentle comes with its dangers.

[Is it a mockery? Another warning that Dan should stay away from him? Perhaps it's both.]

What happened to you and your daughter is very sad.

[He doesn't really enjoy the fact that she died, it's not out of schadenfreude that he decided to call Dan out. He feels neutral on the issue, as he does with most things.]

I just happened to have an overdramatic display of emotion despite my attempts to avoid it. It sounded quite ugly, didn't it?

[Price is the type to choose words carefully. He rarely uses the word ugly, he really means it...Then he sighs. He mentally urges himself to respond properly, because Dan will want to give up on him. He bites his lip.]

I misinterpreted and was afraid that you... [Price is a bit ashamed] I was afraid you were going to talk her into dangerous things that she didn't want to do.

[Logically, Price knows that it's alright to be upset at and not want to witness child abuse, but he also knows that it's because he saw way too much of it himself. It's not even about the trigger at this point, it's being triggered that makes him feel like a pile of rotten flesh.]

Children would do anything for those who are supposed to take care of them.

[He would know from experience.]

[Dan sighs; his breath feels hot in his chest. At least they're talking. At least they're going through the work of trying to express and listen, of finding a common ground that seems to have been ripped out from under them.]

It did sound pretty ugly. You had some loaded accusations in there-

[He thinks they're doing okay until Price continues and expresses what he was actually afraid of, and then Dan stops, and for a few seconds he doesn't say anything or even try to listen to what Price is saying. He can't help but understand it, of course. But he wishes he didn't.

I never asked her to do anything, he wants to shoot back. He never asked his kid to die for him. He never asked her to come join him on dangerous missions. He, in fact, pushed back against her requests to join him for years, and then he was too weak and foolish to push back harder, and then she died saving his life.]

Yeah. They would. [Dan runs a hand through his hair. If that's what set Price's judgment off...Dan can't argue with it. He has no grounds to say that Price was wrong or that Dan was somehow the exception to the mold of parents who get the children in their care hurt, and if that's what Price is carrying around in his past, of course Price would see Dan as a secretive enemy.

He hasn't told anyone, and Price is likely the last person Dan should entrust with anything secret, and yet he doesn't see reaching any sort of understanding without some transparency.]

I ain't someone who goes around and exploits kids, Counselor. I'm a piss-poor guardian, but if you're worried about me being like people you've known in the past... [He wrings his hands.] I'm sorry I reminded you of them, then.

[Price freezes. What is that supposed to mean?! He never told Dan anything that could hint that kind of mistreatment, the most he has done was complain about public authority figures. How does he know about that?]

Don't worry, I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions.

[Not that involving a child in a scam isn't wrong enough, still...He doesn't want to address the rest.]

It was insensitive of me, I'm sorry.

Yeah, it was. [Dan won't pretend it didn't add to the sting of the phenomenon rubbing his loss in his face, his loss that's not even a year past.] But apology accepted. Water under the bridge.

[He notes, too, the way Price freezes up for a second, confirming what's already been suggested in all the little responses, in the shyness and vitriol and details Dan's picked up because picking up details is what Dan does.]

I'd like to stay friendly with you.

Edited 2021-04-22 00:02 (UTC)

BUT--

...Why? Daniel, I appreciate your friendship, but this cannot be beneficial for you.

[Does he want Dan to stay? Of course, but he doesn't want to walk on eggshells, to act like there is something left to save when it's too late and Dan just refuses to understand it. His bragging about not listening to warnings makes no sense whatsoever, if anything it confirms that the only reason why he would be near Price is to slowly destroy himself.

Price doesn't mind destroying him. Destroying things and people is a neutral action, it's wiping the slate clean to build something else. It can be positive or negative based on the connotation that one wants to give it, but that would be a case to case basis. It's not inherently negative as some people believe. Still...Why is Dan doing this?]

No amount of kindness can fix...

[Me, he'd like to say, but he refuses to.]

Our incompatibility.

What incompatibility is that?

[In Dan's opinion, their relationship has expanded beyond that first awkward introduction over a dead civilian. They disagree in how to treat other people, and that disagreement is something that rests at each of their cores, and yet - Dan sees no reason why that should be considered some kind of fundamental antagonism.]

I reckon I'm a better authority on what's beneficial for me or not. [It's not that Dan can't judge risk; he's quite paranoid, quite good at assessing risk and reading a room. It's not that he's using Price as a means to sabotage himself. It's just that he doesn't mind if that outcome comes to pass.] I'm a grown man, Counselor. I can make my own decisions.

Well, then.

[Why, why, why doesn't Dan want to understand? He doesn't get to ignore warnings and then whine like a baby when he inevitably faces the consequences of his stupid decisions.]

What is it that you would like me to do?

[If Dan were not slightly inebriated, he'd probably have a quicker answer, or would have come prepared with an idea of what he wanted from Price. As it stands, he clearly turns it over in his head.]

If you don't want to spend friendly time together anymore, that's fine. I just want to make sure it's for you, because you don't like me, and not because you're trying to protect me from yourself. [He bites his lip.] And I want it clear that it ain't my fault you put me on a pedestal.

[He almost gets calmer while listening to what Dan says, but that last remark sets off every and any alarm again.]

Is it not the right thing to let you go? To prevent myself from making it worse?

[Price asks with a tone that makes it clear that he just doesn't want any more problems. He was so nice to South when he visited her memories, he told her that he loved her, although in his own way. He has put a lot of effort in...Well, everything! And it only backfired.]

I know I would be tempted to hurt you even if I hold back. [He stops Dan before he can say anything] And don't say that it's fine as long as I don't go through with it, because it's not about what I do. It never was.

[It's about what he is, and he's deliberately saying it against his own interest because...He doesn't know why for sure. Maybe it's just to spit the actual truth for once, maybe it's once again a way to give himself permission to do whatever he pleases should Dan ignore this warning as well. He's not sure.

Price doesn't really know what he wants, aside from the Director magically popping up and telling him what to do. He doesn't care how stupid or downright insane the orders would be, he'd follow them. He wants to go back to Project Freelancer, the time of his life where he peaked and was truly happy, not having to feel inadequate for being unable to achieve it with those around him being healthy because he had many formal reasons and excuses, all of which were fantastic.]

Edited 2021-04-24 22:16 (UTC)

Letting me go and forcing me away ain't the same. [This is a place where Dan is learning, through staying on the Rig, that his particular brand of independence is considered contentious. He's been alone long enough that he doesn't know how to snap out of being his own steward, coming and going places when he pleases, setting his own terms for how close he's willing to get with someone and how soon he's ready to abandon them. The Rig has completely upended that, and more than that, it's thrown into stark relief that not everyone agrees with Dan's ethos of my life, my decisions, my right.]

To me - and I ain't going to speak for anyone besides me here or anywhere else - it is about what you do. Even if you don't want to trust that, I stand by it. [Where Price is trying to be placating, Dan's firm. He wants to leave no room for Price to misconstrue him or for Price to make him secondguess himself. Unlike so many, Dan feels firmly certainly of who he is, what stances he holds.

If this weren't Price, Dan would reach over and offer a reassuring pat on the shoulder or some other contact. But as it stands, he just knits his fingers together and rests them on his thigh, which is bouncing a little.]

[Dan's response is not as comforting as he probably thinks it is. It's a 'I won't hurt you or abandon you if you act like a good boy', it's all those threats that adults presented Price with when he was a troubling child. Most of the time being good backfired.

It's funny because Dan himself had the nerve to say 'it's not like a vending machine where you do a good deed and a prize pops out', as if this isn't the same principle. The prize of less danger will pop out if he's a good boy, probably. It's not like Price can argue with the system, it has proven itself to be true and effective throughout his entire lifetime, but he sure is displeased of having to bear it as an adult as well. Especially since it always seems to work differently for him compared to others.

He doesn't exactly curl into a ball next to Dan but he makes himself smaller as usual. It's not as deliberate as he would like it to be, but after all he doesn't really want to lose this strange connection and he's aware that his submissive nature will always help in securing relationships. On the other hand he's so burnt out from struggling to regain control over his agents, from facing the harsh truth that he will never have them again.

It's not that he dislikes connection, on the contrary he craves it despite people's tedious attitudes, but masking under so much stress without a guarantee that it will help, with all the exhaustion hitting him suddenly after more than a decade spent being impeccable among extremely dangerous individuals and circumstances...It's a lot. It's a lot and he would scream if he could. The most he's been able to succeed in this environment was to always express himself formally even when antagonizing everyone and putting his foot in his mouth, but that's not much.]

Daniel...

[It comes to him that he could guilt trip him. Of course being vulnerable always comes with guilt tripping, it's not like he actually has feelings. Also, so many times empaths did their pathetic little shows in order to shame him for not feeling guilt, as gross as it was it really helped him exercise his cognitive empathy. Even if Dan doesn't believe his ~~concerns~~ lies he will feel forced, if only for the sake of etiquette, to act accordingly.]

I don't think you realize how terrifying that thing you just said is.

[Ah yes, that thing. It sounds childish enough. Scared, even. He's doing a great job. Dan is not the Director anyway, he might be interesting but he can't give Price what he needs.]

Edited 2021-04-26 12:02 (UTC)

So tell me. [If there is anything Dan can relate to, it's fear. Dan spent his youth on the run, each member of his family picked off horribly, knowing each January full moon that he'd either die or grieve. He knows, too, the betrayal of being promised security and a life of peace only to have that go so violently sideways for reasons he doesn't totally and will never totally understand.

His knee stops bouncing and he opens himself up to listen. It's his greatest skill, hunting monsters and ghosts, his ability to listen to those who have deemed themselves and been deemed by others as unlistenable.]

How's this? [Honesty is always more difficult than lies, so it takes Dan a second to find the words.] I can't promise I won't never hurt you. I can promise that if I ever do, it's because I got no other option, and that I would never, ever enjoy it.

[He's picked up that Price likes to make others suffer; Dan's not the same and never has been, even in the throes of grief and despair. He always turns it inwards, or lets anger and sadism dissipate into sadness and emptiness long before it comes to be.]

[Price understands that on a logical level that is a good response, he's perfectly aware. Yet he feels more tense than before, because it's like his behaviour is 'forcing' others to hit him or leave him behind. God forbid when he himself presents a similar argument, though.

He's not 'cruel cruel', you know. He just does what's best for him. Still, he survived much worse than whatever this is. Why is everything hard all of a sudden? Before this place he's always managed to elegantly take all the horrible abuse he went through and twist it in his favour. Why has he been making mistake after mistake since arriving on the Rig?

This time he does curl into a ball.]

No, you're right, I-- I'm sorry, I'm not making sense...I'm sorry.

[Is it because he's getting old? The pretty face is all that's left of what he can use. Is it crumbling, too? Is he not beautiful or skilled enough to distract others from...Well, the rest?

Not that there's much more. Sure, like everyone he has a past, but after delivering a couple of key sentences it all fades because it's nothing but the same painful patterns over and over, and he feels like his core is completely empty and the fire is simply radiating from him, burning everything he comes in contact with. It's not his fault that he's unable to learn anything else after he's been taught this, but it doesn't matter so he's treated like it's his fault anyway.]

No apologies necessary. If words were easy, writing wouldn't be a profession.

[Dan's at a loss, and he can't tell if he's shadowboxing or not. How much of this is a performance he's getting suckered into? Is Price enjoying keeping him guessing or is Price as in the dark as he says? Is this true fear that Price has of Dan, or does Price just know that fear is a shortcut to Dan's sympathy?

The few people who know about Dan's power have been told that they'd be able to tell if he used it on them. This is a lie. Dan doesn't have to make skin-to-skin contact, and the fact that his whole body gets slightly warm when he absorbs someone's emotions and squirrels it away is easily masked by clothing. He gives Price no indication that he's trying to get a read on him as he gingerly reaches out and touches Price's shoulder in a gesture that is as sincerely an attempt to comfort as it is an attempt to use his empathic superhuman ability.]

[Price flinches slightly, but eventually lets him because he needs some physical comfort. Last time someone touched him without hitting him was...Well at least a decade ago, if you don't count random handshakes during meetings and that time Felix decided he could get his filthy rat claws on him. Also Dan told him that he would've felt it and for some reason in this moment Price is gullible enough to lower his guard.

Of course he has a lot of feelings. He's mad at the entire situation, at the inability to rebuild what he had put so much dedication to create. Mad at the fact that the freelancers gave him further confirmation of the fact that as soon as people heal they abandon him - making them sicker is already fun, honestly, how is that attitude supposed to make him stop? It's like pruning the branches and leaves of a bonsai tree, really. It's in order to make something grow in a certain shape and direction that is currently required, picking one shape and direction in favour of another is not murder or torture.

They keep acting like it's personal when it wasn't. He's done worse to someone he actually was in love with - or at least the one that made him feel the closest thing to love. It ended in fights and a definitely not amicable divorce, but what is love, anyway, besides wanting to be with someone and remembering all the little details along with working to keep the relationship interesting?

In his own way, Price pretty much loves everyone, actually! But no one seems to understand and he's constantly pushing himself between isolation and desperately trying to create or restore some kind of relationship without succeeding, and again, he's burnt out from trying and knows that being alone is 'the best thing for everyone' but he doesn't want to.

If only the Director was here...He could play with him, worship him in his own special way, and make sure he'd never abandon him again...]

Edited 2021-04-29 12:40 (UTC)

[Taking in someone's emotions when they're this fraught feels, to Dan, a little bit like what he imagines all those tweenagers felt that year they were putting spoonfuls of cinnamon in their mouths for social media. His immediately impulse is to "cough it back up", as it were, but that's neither possible nor wise here, so, as Dan is the consummate liar and actor, he doesn't let it show even momentarily that he's thrown by the intensity and complexity of Price's unhappiness.

The point is that Price is unhappy. Unhappy, and confused, and tired, and frustrated, and angry, and fearful, and these emotions are all true and they're all ones Dan wishes he had some way of alleviating, so he doesn't remove his hand from Price's shoulder just because he wants to sustain the comforting contact.]

You can talk about what happened, if facts are easier than talking about how you feel about it.

Facts? [Price tilts his head] Nothing happened, I was just rude to you when I shouldn't have. That's it.

[He rests his head on Dan's shoulder, and gradually sinks in until it turns into a hug. He just really wants to give and receive some affection the traditional way after a decade of coldness and strictness, and he also wants to test Dan.

He wants to see if he is going to use his power to enhance the coziness that he feels in his arms in order to improve his mood, half wanting it because everything hurts too much and half fearing how easily Dan could violate him by accessing his very core. A core that at this point is meant to be forgotten and not acknowledged, after being labeled as a monster for a lifetime. He thinks about how easily Dan can justify taking advantage of this moment of vulnerability with wanting to help, as if the compulsion of helping isn't his personal rotten illusion.

Little does he know that Dan is already using his power...]

Edited 2021-05-02 11:41 (UTC)

[Dan could very well pass the test on accident, just because he doesn't have any of Price's happier emotions to try and offset the misery. Maybe if he did, he would try.

But one way or another, Dan's only had his ability to draw on and copy other people's emotions for later for about a year. He's been trying to comfort others his whole life, be it from his younger siblings when they were newborn and squalling to angry spirits that needed soothing to victims of monster attacks in need of someone to manage their immediate trauma. So what comes naturally to him is to let Price sink into that hug and hold him there, not restrictive or clinging, but receptive and supportive. Dan gives really good hugs, unsurprisingly.]

No, I mean, what people don't to you that makes you so untrusting. You don't have to talk if you don't want to. Just putting it out there. [Because it couldn't be more obvious that this is about a lifetime of poor treatment and being conditioned into expecting a certain amount of disappointment from anyone Price runs into.]

[Now that's a funny one, apparently it's 'people making him untrusting' when they are the untrusting ones. They're always acting like he's up to something awful, planning to manipulate or torture or kill somebody. Sometimes when you say hello you actually mean hello, even if you killed millions.

Sure, it makes sense to choose not to trust Price now, but it didn't when he was younger. All the people he hurt before Project Freelancer fell under three categories: self defense, getting even, or training in order to skillfully defend himself or getting even with someone else. That he had fun doing it is irrelevant to the conversation. All of this is, actually, because it lost meaning at this point.]

Some people become like me due to genetic predisposition. They're born like this.

[It's not his case, sure, but would Dan still keep trying if there was nothing to pity, if there was nowhere to dig and find a sad story? Price feels like after all this time there won't be much underneath all the dirt and filth. It will not be enough, because it has never been enough for anyone to listen, and what happens after an entire lifetime of not being listen to is that you don't want to talk anymore.]

That sounds like a difficult, painful life to be condemned to by some unlucky genetics.

[Price doesn't need to give Dan a tragic story about himself or anyone else to activate Dan's pity, his empathy; Dan sees sadness everywhere. In all the places most people see injustice or outrage, Dan just sees the tragedy of how almost every evil act could have been averted, somehow, if upstream someone had been kinder or luckier.]

Tell me what you mean by "like this."

Counselor Aiden Price

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ignoring warnings and then whining about it is Dan's M.O. tho, Price, don't hate~

Price wants to cuddle with Dan but also wants to hiss at him >:(

so basically Price is a cat, we knew that, but apparently so is Dan

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fuck me, it's literally one word of dialogue but this shit is heavy

P R I C E ;A;

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look I'm not saying he's gay but I'm saying he's obsessed. Which makes him at least LOOK gay.

sorry for vanishing for a month! idk where my brain went but i love Price so i kept this thread

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