goneawaycomms | AGENT WASHINGTON

...Normally I would hesitate at "spirit of murder," but after end-running some kind of time god and landing here, I think I have to believe anything.

[ She sympathy winces. Jesus, Wash. He can't catch a break even in another universe. She wishes she'd been here to help.

Not that she's likely to have been that much help against something that can kick the living shit out of Wash like that, but it's more the principle of the thing.

He was there with her the last time she almost died. ]

That being the case, I'm glad you're here having this conversation in the first place.

[She gets a vague shrug and keeps picking at clover.]

[Maximum awkward teenager.]

[Which tracks, considering he can't muddle through his own complicated emotions.]

[He breathes in and out.]

So the thing I need to tell you. You're not going to like it.

Tucker didn't.

Tell me anyway.

[ She's calm. Ready. Even if she didn't have some warning already, she'd be prepared to take bad news from him without lashing out. ]

Somehow exposure with the Stuff made it so the brain damage I had got stabilized.

But the price of that is that I lost time.

A lot of it.

[He shreds more clover.]

The last thing I remember is the fight with Tex on Sidewinder.

Tucker says I helped the Reds and Blues fight the Meta after that. And that, later, you joined us.

[ No mention of the company. Hmm. ]

Tucker... warned me you're missing time.

[ It's her turn to take in and let out a long breath. ]

They hid you.

I dug you up to help me find Epsilon and track down the Director, and I dragged everyone else in too.

That sounds like you.

[Sorry, Carolina.]

But it sounds like we both had some rough edges that got sanded down by the Reds and Blues.

[He looks thoughtful about that.]

I think I can believe that. I don't remember Tucker but whenever I look at him, it's like some part of my brain still knows that's someone I trust.

And I don't trust anyone.

I remember.

[ She knew him when he was still barely going out on that first limb of caring about the troopers.

It's such a loss. Having hope that there's something that can be done for him helps, but the idea of him never getting it back... It doesn't just hurt because Carolina misses him, but also because he had gained so much. Wash on Iris, even with cerebral hypoxia, was still so much healthier than the man she found hiding out on Valhalla years ago. He deserves to be better. ]

I won't ask you to trust me, Wash. I know how I treated you. It took me a long time to... sand those edges.

[ She is so, so very not proud, and it shows. ]

But if you need my help, you ask. I'll do what I can. I owe you that much.

[ That's an offer she never would have made back then. They were both starved hyenas of human beings after it all came undone. It might not even be wise to do it now, given he's so close to that place again.

But she can do no less for him. Not after everything they've been through together, whether he remembers or not. ]

[It should be something that trips up his paranoia or, bare minimum, his cynicism. It should be hard for him to believe. It should be something he shoves aside as unnecessary.]

[But it's not.]

[It should not be something he believes on the deepest and most primal level.]

[But it is.]

[His right hand starts to shake almost violently, and he shoves it down to his side to try to avoid drawing attention to it.]

[You can trust her, ~~screams~~ whispers, a voice that is isn't his own. Say it. Tell her about the implant. Tell her about what Jorgmund's doing.]

[He almost does. He comes the closest he has so far to telling someone, and only barely holds back.]

Not long before the time I saw you last, you left the team pinned down by machine gun fire to go slapfight Tex.

[It's very risky categorizing that as "slapfighting" but the fact it was a monumental slugfest doesn't count when they were both evenly matched and it was just that petty.]

...So why do I still almost believe you?

[Almost.]

[ She's silent as she considers a response. ]

Last time something went wrong, we were all captured and trapped in a simulation designed to amplify our negative feelings until we'd choose to die.

Donut started pulling us out of it.

[ Yes. The pink one. The one you shot, Wash. Don't think too hard about it. ]

Everyone's simulation was tailored to them.

When the rest of you found me, I was fighting... me. Me as I was.

[ It sounds absolutely insane, she's sure, but... He's still listening, isn't he? ]

I couldn't beat her, Wash. She was stronger. I was obsessed with being number one back then, I haven't trained that hard in a long time.

But I had the rest of you.

{ She looks at him, straight to center. ]

You knew me. Maybe we didn't talk much, but you know how ashamed I was when I couldn't beat someone.

But I'm not anymore.

Maybe that's what you remember, I don't know.

[ She gives her head a pensive little shake, letting her gaze fall to her hands. ]

Whatever it is, though, I'm...

I guess I'm glad you have any faith in me at all.

Edited 2021-01-16 09:43 (UTC)

[He looks thoughtful through all of that, listening, letting her draw a line between the Carolina he knew to the one she is now. The longer she talks the more that sharp and almost suspicious look softens.]

[It tracks. It sounds genuine.]

[It makes sense given how hard and cold he was on arrival here and how he's already softening up a little. Even joking around. Due to old friends being alive, and friends he can't remember who've treated him well, and even some people starting to become new friends.]

[She'd had longer. With Tucker and his - no, with their friends.]

[Wash just...feels it. That it's honest.]

[...and wonders if something similar happened to him. With Tucker, he's standing in the shadow of a man that he can't really believe was himself.]

Okay.

[To clarify, he says:]

I'll try to just...trust it.

[Awkwardly.]

Uh. The trust, I mean.

So far it hasn't steered me wrong with Tucker.

[Just like that.]

Edited 2021-01-16 10:14 (UTC)

[ It's a relief. Carolina has been partially bracing for what she's going to do if this means losing him for good. It's not what she wants, but it's something that she will be able to endure better if she has that time to prepare.

Hopefully, it's not going to come to that. This is a good sign. ]

I'll try to stay worthy of it.

[ She cracks a smile. ]

[But then there's the other problem of her not being able to trust him.]

[Even aside from everything with Jorgmund.]

We're friends in the fu - in the time I can't remember. But you weren't around during the time I met the guys.

And Tucker says theyapparently absorbed me into the idiot collective - and I say "idiot" with some affection now -

[Genuinely. Tucker's an idiot sometimes but he does like him.]

- right after the point I remember.

[He looks at the clover in his hands.]

So do you know? About everything?

That I did?

I know about South.

I know about Donut. He survived, by the way.

I know about the time Grif had to hit you with a car.

I know about Maine.

I know about Alpha and the fragments.

[ She Knows, Wash. She stops counting them off. ]

...But I almost shot Tucker back then, and I'm at least... half responsible for the death of the Director.

Glass houses.

[His mouth makes a scandalized little :O shape at Tucker - in part because at this point if something happened to Tucker he'd kill everyone in that room and...well not himself. But everyone in that room. He checks himself, though.]

[He did shoot the pink - uh, Donut. And the robot.]

[And not just almost shoot. Actually shoot.]

Only one of those last two things is a problem.

[Another pause, as he thinks about it a little more.]

...but it was still probably hard to deal with.

[But he knows the old Carolina enough to know she wouldn't want to talk about that - about the tie to the Director - being revealed. Not with him. ~~Not with this him.~~]

[All the dirty laundry, she's seen it all. And all the good too, if she's from the same time as Tucker - from the present. Like they both are. That makes him want to know more about her - this her.]

[And also more about himself.]

What changed? For you? What got you through it?

Because I'm at one hell of a confusing crossroads and I can tell you're different. How did you get there?

It was hard. There were a couple of reality checks I needed bad.

I'll be honest with you, Wash. For a while I didn't feel like I could be a good person. I gave up. I put my whole self into finding a way to kill the Director, and I didn't expect to survive that.

[ She didn't even know what she would've done after it if it had gone how she thought it would. ]

I was lucky because I had the Reds and Blues. And you. And Epsilon. People who thought that maybe I could be better than that.

[Oh he gets that. Gets the "I don't expect to survive this." Only his problem was dealing with the stark horribleness of the after.]

[He still can't entirely see his way out of the weeds.]

And the part I'm still stuck on...

[He throws the clover aside and drags his hands down his face.]

How the hell did I help anyone think they could be better?

Especially you of all people.

You wouldn't even sit with me at lunch!

[It's frustrating, seeing this evidence of who he was, hearing Tucker talk about who he was, seeing her - Carolina - treating him so gently, like really matters, and having no clue how he got to be the person that inspired it.]

[ He sounds like himself when he's frustrated. She wishes she could hand it to him. ]

This... probably isn't going to help.

[ This is a super useful preface to something you know the other person probably isn't going to enjoy hearing.

It's a testament to how much time has passed and how much she really has been able to reflect that Carolina even can name any of this. ]

You challenged me.

I almost shot Tucker because the rest of you wouldn't help me storm the Director's bunker. The reason I didn't shoot Tucker is you pulled your gun on me, and told me to leave.

I needed people brave enough to tell me to fuck off, and you were. They were too, but you... you knew me before and you still did.

If I'd killed him, I think that would've been something I couldn't come back from.

Maybe you would've killed me. Maybe I would've died if the rest of you didn't come and pull me out of... the security system.

[ An army of Texes is definitely that, right? ]

Even if I'd survived, I think it would've been the last thing that broke me inside.

Edited 2021-01-16 21:23 (UTC)

No, that...

[That actually seems to make something click for him.]

[He sits there for a little bit stewing it over.]

That makes it seem less impossible. And huge. Too huge.

Defend one person and it makes another person think about why I had to.

That's not saving a planet.

[Love one team of people and realize how more people than them deserve someone to be a terrier on their behalf - like a planet facing a civil war.]

[See one planet as worth saving, and then all of time is an easier step.]

[Try to save each group, in escalating scale, and you learn the things you need to do it, like trust, loyalty, leadership, how to inspire people, and how to accept a steep self sacrifice with grace and dignity.]

It's not.

[ She agrees. ]

I helped the rest of you save that planet, and I couldn't have done that if I hadn't had a chance to save myself first.

[ She hesitates for just a moment, getting hold of a thought. ]

...There's a thing about chances, Wash. You can't demand more. You don't get to say when you're out of them for good, either. It's all other people, and what they decide to give you.

Sometimes they surprise you.

[He looks at her for a long time.]

I agree.

Which is why after finding out Tucker and the guys gave me one it feels like I can't ask for more.

I had my chance and whoever I became after is gone. And the most I can do is see if I can remember to be him again.

[He's told people the Stuff was responsible for both the brain damage being fixed and the memory loss. He knows the implant is what fixed the brain damage but Jorgmund told him the memory loss was from the Stuff. He thought saying that part was the truth.]

[But after that memory he had in the Infirmary he's questioning that now.]

[He isn't sure if getting the implant blown will bring his memories back. And he's scared of the price. What if the brain damage is worse because of it?]

I don't know what to do if I can't remember.

[ Carolina reaches over and places a hand on Wash's shoulder, gently. ]

Well.

I don't want to make this any weirder for you than it already is, Wash.

[ She knows this has to be weird. The familiarity here is not at all what he would remember. ]

But you've been my best friend for the last couple of years. If you're back where you were before any of us gave you a chance... I think it's only fair I try to help give you another one.

[He doesn't recoil. He doesn't jump. He'd punched York in the face for moving too fast to hug him, but when she reaches towards him, there's no fear. Just like there's no fear around Tucker.]

I think...I don't want to be what I am now. Especially knowing I became someone else.

I want to be better.

[He's not lying.]

[He suddenly winces, remembers sitting tense...on the interrogation chair? Exhausted as he said, "My friends made me better." But that didn't happen, he remembers his interrogation. He didn't even know about his friends then.]

[His friends made him better. The two of them had helped each other be better.]

[There's something else. Standing near the water, looking out. "You know I love you right?" A sigh. "I love you too."]

[Just as friends, probably. That's probably all they'd meant, but...]

[His expression changes to something deeply vulnerable.]

Can you help me?

[ She doesn't remove her hand. Something about that contact feels important. Stabilizing. ]

...Just to be clear. I did tell you that the way you helped me was by challenging me and telling me to fuck off, right?

[ Carolina wants to answer in the affirmative. She wants to help Wash, very much, but in a lot of ways that's a big ask. Things worked out as a sort of fortunate accident the first time. She's not sure she feels qualified to make a conscious effort to help someone else improve, and the first way she can really express that is through this nudge, a slightly nervous joke. A traumatized freelancer is a big responsibility, source: she is one and she knows. ]

Edited 2021-01-19 05:41 (UTC)

Ayep.

[This...isn't going to be easy. He knows that. It sounds like the first time he was able to work on things while hanging out in a peaceful place with a group of sim troopers, doing what? Playing capture the flag?]

[Here, navigating everything they have to navigate, it's not as simple.]

[But if he is going to try to navigate the Jorgmund thing to do something good, he has to have his head on straight. He has to stop thinking the way he does now.]

[Still, it's a big ask and he immediately feels self conscious for even asking it.]

But I know that's a lot. I shouldn't have asked.

I'm used to figuring things out on my own.

[ She takes a big, steadying breath. ]

It's okay. I want to help you, Wash, I'm just... not at all trained for this.

[ That's the point of fear. He's trusting her with real vulnerability here. It would be very easy for her to cause harm accidentally, no matter her good intentions. She doesn't want to do that to him. ]

...But if you want to talk to me, I'll listen. And if telling you off and putting you in a headlock if it seems like you're being a dick helps, I can do that.

AGENT WASHINGTON

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