goneawaycomms | AGENT WASHINGTON

It was hard. There were a couple of reality checks I needed bad.

I'll be honest with you, Wash. For a while I didn't feel like I could be a good person. I gave up. I put my whole self into finding a way to kill the Director, and I didn't expect to survive that.

[ She didn't even know what she would've done after it if it had gone how she thought it would. ]

I was lucky because I had the Reds and Blues. And you. And Epsilon. People who thought that maybe I could be better than that.

[Oh he gets that. Gets the "I don't expect to survive this." Only his problem was dealing with the stark horribleness of the after.]

[He still can't entirely see his way out of the weeds.]

And the part I'm still stuck on...

[He throws the clover aside and drags his hands down his face.]

How the hell did I help anyone think they could be better?

Especially you of all people.

You wouldn't even sit with me at lunch!

[It's frustrating, seeing this evidence of who he was, hearing Tucker talk about who he was, seeing her - Carolina - treating him so gently, like really matters, and having no clue how he got to be the person that inspired it.]

[ He sounds like himself when he's frustrated. She wishes she could hand it to him. ]

This... probably isn't going to help.

[ This is a super useful preface to something you know the other person probably isn't going to enjoy hearing.

It's a testament to how much time has passed and how much she really has been able to reflect that Carolina even can name any of this. ]

You challenged me.

I almost shot Tucker because the rest of you wouldn't help me storm the Director's bunker. The reason I didn't shoot Tucker is you pulled your gun on me, and told me to leave.

I needed people brave enough to tell me to fuck off, and you were. They were too, but you... you knew me before and you still did.

If I'd killed him, I think that would've been something I couldn't come back from.

Maybe you would've killed me. Maybe I would've died if the rest of you didn't come and pull me out of... the security system.

[ An army of Texes is definitely that, right? ]

Even if I'd survived, I think it would've been the last thing that broke me inside.

Edited 2021-01-16 21:23 (UTC)

No, that...

[That actually seems to make something click for him.]

[He sits there for a little bit stewing it over.]

That makes it seem less impossible. And huge. Too huge.

Defend one person and it makes another person think about why I had to.

That's not saving a planet.

[Love one team of people and realize how more people than them deserve someone to be a terrier on their behalf - like a planet facing a civil war.]

[See one planet as worth saving, and then all of time is an easier step.]

[Try to save each group, in escalating scale, and you learn the things you need to do it, like trust, loyalty, leadership, how to inspire people, and how to accept a steep self sacrifice with grace and dignity.]

It's not.

[ She agrees. ]

I helped the rest of you save that planet, and I couldn't have done that if I hadn't had a chance to save myself first.

[ She hesitates for just a moment, getting hold of a thought. ]

...There's a thing about chances, Wash. You can't demand more. You don't get to say when you're out of them for good, either. It's all other people, and what they decide to give you.

Sometimes they surprise you.

[He looks at her for a long time.]

I agree.

Which is why after finding out Tucker and the guys gave me one it feels like I can't ask for more.

I had my chance and whoever I became after is gone. And the most I can do is see if I can remember to be him again.

[He's told people the Stuff was responsible for both the brain damage being fixed and the memory loss. He knows the implant is what fixed the brain damage but Jorgmund told him the memory loss was from the Stuff. He thought saying that part was the truth.]

[But after that memory he had in the Infirmary he's questioning that now.]

[He isn't sure if getting the implant blown will bring his memories back. And he's scared of the price. What if the brain damage is worse because of it?]

I don't know what to do if I can't remember.

[ Carolina reaches over and places a hand on Wash's shoulder, gently. ]

Well.

I don't want to make this any weirder for you than it already is, Wash.

[ She knows this has to be weird. The familiarity here is not at all what he would remember. ]

But you've been my best friend for the last couple of years. If you're back where you were before any of us gave you a chance... I think it's only fair I try to help give you another one.

[He doesn't recoil. He doesn't jump. He'd punched York in the face for moving too fast to hug him, but when she reaches towards him, there's no fear. Just like there's no fear around Tucker.]

I think...I don't want to be what I am now. Especially knowing I became someone else.

I want to be better.

[He's not lying.]

[He suddenly winces, remembers sitting tense...on the interrogation chair? Exhausted as he said, "My friends made me better." But that didn't happen, he remembers his interrogation. He didn't even know about his friends then.]

[His friends made him better. The two of them had helped each other be better.]

[There's something else. Standing near the water, looking out. "You know I love you right?" A sigh. "I love you too."]

[Just as friends, probably. That's probably all they'd meant, but...]

[His expression changes to something deeply vulnerable.]

Can you help me?

[ She doesn't remove her hand. Something about that contact feels important. Stabilizing. ]

...Just to be clear. I did tell you that the way you helped me was by challenging me and telling me to fuck off, right?

[ Carolina wants to answer in the affirmative. She wants to help Wash, very much, but in a lot of ways that's a big ask. Things worked out as a sort of fortunate accident the first time. She's not sure she feels qualified to make a conscious effort to help someone else improve, and the first way she can really express that is through this nudge, a slightly nervous joke. A traumatized freelancer is a big responsibility, source: she is one and she knows. ]

Edited 2021-01-19 05:41 (UTC)

Ayep.

[This...isn't going to be easy. He knows that. It sounds like the first time he was able to work on things while hanging out in a peaceful place with a group of sim troopers, doing what? Playing capture the flag?]

[Here, navigating everything they have to navigate, it's not as simple.]

[But if he is going to try to navigate the Jorgmund thing to do something good, he has to have his head on straight. He has to stop thinking the way he does now.]

[Still, it's a big ask and he immediately feels self conscious for even asking it.]

But I know that's a lot. I shouldn't have asked.

I'm used to figuring things out on my own.

[ She takes a big, steadying breath. ]

It's okay. I want to help you, Wash, I'm just... not at all trained for this.

[ That's the point of fear. He's trusting her with real vulnerability here. It would be very easy for her to cause harm accidentally, no matter her good intentions. She doesn't want to do that to him. ]

...But if you want to talk to me, I'll listen. And if telling you off and putting you in a headlock if it seems like you're being a dick helps, I can do that.

There are good people here. You and Tucker. York and North. The other New Hires.

Some of them are kids.

[On his first mission out after Jorgmund had hammered home the leverage they had over his head, he'd almost actually brought back xenomorph eggs to a rig that had children living on it, to be studied by this world's resident Weyland-Yutani. At the last second, he'd risked Jorgmund blowing the implant by sabotaging every storage unique he could find so the specimens had been destroyed.]

[And he'd paid for it. Fortunately not with them blowing the implant but with a nice little shock, to remind him of his place.]

[But the fact he'd considered following through at all...]

The Easter Bunny is here. [He raises his eyebrows.] The Easter Bunny.

I can't be the person that shot those sim troopers to the Easter Bunny. That's getting into "blowing up a bus full of nuns and orphans" territory.

Edited 2021-01-19 06:23 (UTC)

[ Carolina lets go of his shoulder, but she does it by pushing off it with a little shove. It's the kind of friendly contact the Freelancers had with each other all the time, just never between the two of them in particular. ]

I understand. There are stakes.

[A nod.]

It was bad enough, what I did to the Reds. And to find out they forgave me, tried to hide me...

[It does make him feel guilty. Before this, he was closed off and cold, but not heartless.]

I don't want to do that again.

Then don't.

[ That could easily be dismissive, but it's not. It's encouraging. ]

I'm not going to pretend that's as easy as it sounds. I know what it's like to be pissed off, and scared, and to stop caring.

But it is easier when you're not alone.

[ And, as they've just established, at least he isn't alone anymore. ]

["Then don't." Like it's that simple. But it sounds like it was. He'd been a terrible person, the Reds and Blues had forgiven him and then... then maybe it took work but he also apparently had made some kind of snap decision and went with it.]

[And he can't remember that decision but he's already reaching the same point of being...]

Not alone.

I'm still getting used to that.

[And just like before, it already means something.]

But I want to get used to it. I think.

[This is the first he's admitting it to himself, the first he's really sitting down and deciding - solidly - what he's going to do. Verbalizing it in a way he hasn't been able to anywhere else.]

Tucker made it sound like it was a snap decision, them forgiving me, and me deciding to change. And I -

I think I'm starting to understand it because I'm starting to make the same one. I probably should've done it sooner but I've been on edge since I got here. And having dead friends show up, and a friend I don't remember, isn't the same as having that happen right in front of you, people hiding you and forgiving you and...protecting you.

[Because hiding him was protection.]

But I've had some time now and -

[He digs for the words, grasps at his chest.]

I want to make the same decision all over again, and I think I can feel the hole of - of what's supposed to there from when I made it the first time.

You get used to not being alone. It takes a while, but you do. If you need help, you've got me. You've got Tucker. You've got York.

[ She's also pretty sure he has that werewolf kid, but she hasn't gotten to properly talk to Stacia about all this yet. These three are certain. ]

As far as leaps of faith go, this one is probably smaller.

[ None of these three ever hit him with a car. ]

I know this doesn't make us friends in the same way we were before, but I'd like to be friends again, Wash.

[ Is there a less lame way of putting that? No? Well, there it is. Carolina doesn't see friendship as a crutch for the insufficient anymore, it's a source of strength. They made each other stronger as friends, and wanting it back is more than just self-interest. ]

[Wash nods a little nod.]

I think I'd like that. [There is an impish glint in his eye, something closer to the Wash she knows.] Especially since you'll probably let me sit with you at lunch now.

And just so you know, I'm going to try to find him again. The guy you knew. I think he's still in here.

[He touches a hand to his chest.]

You know, the last time South and I almost got into a fist fight - again - I just had this realization of how stupid we were being and how much it was locking us into our old patterns.

Then I lectured her about how she could be better.

Me. The guy who shot Donut. I lectured her about how she could do better, be better.

[He shakes his head.]

And these words that didn't sound like mine came from somewhere else and it felt like there was something inside me lecturing me too. Something that was definitely a little more poetic than I usually am.

"Mistakes are the dirt we grow from."

[She'll recognize those words.]

I told South that she made a mess, and she needed to clean it up.

And that I did, too. That was - that was the part that was directed at me - that I directed at myself? But it felt like it wasn't this me.

Edited 2021-02-15 00:37 (UTC)

I think you're right.

[ He's in there, and this gives her such hope. This seems to touch her, especially those words she recognizes.

Carolina smiles. It's not a big expression, it seldom is with her, but there is warmth in it. ]

For the record, we don't really think of it as lecturing, anymore. The guys complain, but they complain about anything.

But when it counts, we know what it really is now.

It's leading.

[ She's not their leader. She wasn't good at it, actually. You can turn to Carolina when you need a tactical head, and you can look to her for a pillar of courage in a crisis, but Wash has been the heart. He has been for years. ]

[Wash looks a little lost, a little disbelieving. He's gotten a view of what he became from Dr. Grey when she still on the rig, and Tucker, but it still is strange to hear it confirmed from someone who doesn't bullshit.]

...I still can't wrap my head around that.

Maybe you will, eventually.

[ She thumps his shoulder. ]

If it's any consolation, I think I have enough bosses in my life for right now.

If I could figure it all out I think I'd be a step up.

[Slightly cocky, but...]

I doubt I'd do worse than our current [quotey fingers] employers.

Hey, don't set the bar too low.

[ She missed him. She still misses him, but so much of him is still here. ]

[A wry grin turns the corner of his mouth.]

Look, all I have to do is promise that I'll ban icebreakers, trust falls, and company-mandated propaganda - I mean meditation sessions - and all the New Hires would vote me in as the new CEO in under a week.

[There he is. There's the guy she knows.]

[ It almost hurts how much this is Wash but isn't hers. ]

You'd have my vote.

Better you than me.

[ It's been a long time since Carolina was The Boss. She's still strong-minded, resourceful, and take-charge, but it's nice not to be The Boss. She's retired from it. ]

AGENT WASHINGTON

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