goneawaycomms | AGENT WASHINGTON

[A nod.]

It was bad enough, what I did to the Reds. And to find out they forgave me, tried to hide me...

[It does make him feel guilty. Before this, he was closed off and cold, but not heartless.]

I don't want to do that again.

Then don't.

[ That could easily be dismissive, but it's not. It's encouraging. ]

I'm not going to pretend that's as easy as it sounds. I know what it's like to be pissed off, and scared, and to stop caring.

But it is easier when you're not alone.

[ And, as they've just established, at least he isn't alone anymore. ]

["Then don't." Like it's that simple. But it sounds like it was. He'd been a terrible person, the Reds and Blues had forgiven him and then... then maybe it took work but he also apparently had made some kind of snap decision and went with it.]

[And he can't remember that decision but he's already reaching the same point of being...]

Not alone.

I'm still getting used to that.

[And just like before, it already means something.]

But I want to get used to it. I think.

[This is the first he's admitting it to himself, the first he's really sitting down and deciding - solidly - what he's going to do. Verbalizing it in a way he hasn't been able to anywhere else.]

Tucker made it sound like it was a snap decision, them forgiving me, and me deciding to change. And I -

I think I'm starting to understand it because I'm starting to make the same one. I probably should've done it sooner but I've been on edge since I got here. And having dead friends show up, and a friend I don't remember, isn't the same as having that happen right in front of you, people hiding you and forgiving you and...protecting you.

[Because hiding him was protection.]

But I've had some time now and -

[He digs for the words, grasps at his chest.]

I want to make the same decision all over again, and I think I can feel the hole of - of what's supposed to there from when I made it the first time.

You get used to not being alone. It takes a while, but you do. If you need help, you've got me. You've got Tucker. You've got York.

[ She's also pretty sure he has that werewolf kid, but she hasn't gotten to properly talk to Stacia about all this yet. These three are certain. ]

As far as leaps of faith go, this one is probably smaller.

[ None of these three ever hit him with a car. ]

I know this doesn't make us friends in the same way we were before, but I'd like to be friends again, Wash.

[ Is there a less lame way of putting that? No? Well, there it is. Carolina doesn't see friendship as a crutch for the insufficient anymore, it's a source of strength. They made each other stronger as friends, and wanting it back is more than just self-interest. ]

[Wash nods a little nod.]

I think I'd like that. [There is an impish glint in his eye, something closer to the Wash she knows.] Especially since you'll probably let me sit with you at lunch now.

And just so you know, I'm going to try to find him again. The guy you knew. I think he's still in here.

[He touches a hand to his chest.]

You know, the last time South and I almost got into a fist fight - again - I just had this realization of how stupid we were being and how much it was locking us into our old patterns.

Then I lectured her about how she could be better.

Me. The guy who shot Donut. I lectured her about how she could do better, be better.

[He shakes his head.]

And these words that didn't sound like mine came from somewhere else and it felt like there was something inside me lecturing me too. Something that was definitely a little more poetic than I usually am.

"Mistakes are the dirt we grow from."

[She'll recognize those words.]

I told South that she made a mess, and she needed to clean it up.

And that I did, too. That was - that was the part that was directed at me - that I directed at myself? But it felt like it wasn't this me.

Edited 2021-02-15 00:37 (UTC)

I think you're right.

[ He's in there, and this gives her such hope. This seems to touch her, especially those words she recognizes.

Carolina smiles. It's not a big expression, it seldom is with her, but there is warmth in it. ]

For the record, we don't really think of it as lecturing, anymore. The guys complain, but they complain about anything.

But when it counts, we know what it really is now.

It's leading.

[ She's not their leader. She wasn't good at it, actually. You can turn to Carolina when you need a tactical head, and you can look to her for a pillar of courage in a crisis, but Wash has been the heart. He has been for years. ]

[Wash looks a little lost, a little disbelieving. He's gotten a view of what he became from Dr. Grey when she still on the rig, and Tucker, but it still is strange to hear it confirmed from someone who doesn't bullshit.]

...I still can't wrap my head around that.

Maybe you will, eventually.

[ She thumps his shoulder. ]

If it's any consolation, I think I have enough bosses in my life for right now.

If I could figure it all out I think I'd be a step up.

[Slightly cocky, but...]

I doubt I'd do worse than our current [quotey fingers] employers.

Hey, don't set the bar too low.

[ She missed him. She still misses him, but so much of him is still here. ]

[A wry grin turns the corner of his mouth.]

Look, all I have to do is promise that I'll ban icebreakers, trust falls, and company-mandated propaganda - I mean meditation sessions - and all the New Hires would vote me in as the new CEO in under a week.

[There he is. There's the guy she knows.]

[ It almost hurts how much this is Wash but isn't hers. ]

You'd have my vote.

Better you than me.

[ It's been a long time since Carolina was The Boss. She's still strong-minded, resourceful, and take-charge, but it's nice not to be The Boss. She's retired from it. ]

AGENT WASHINGTON

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