goneawaycomms | AGENT WASHINGTON

[It should be something that trips up his paranoia or, bare minimum, his cynicism. It should be hard for him to believe. It should be something he shoves aside as unnecessary.]

[But it's not.]

[It should not be something he believes on the deepest and most primal level.]

[But it is.]

[His right hand starts to shake almost violently, and he shoves it down to his side to try to avoid drawing attention to it.]

[You can trust her, ~~screams~~ whispers, a voice that is isn't his own. Say it. Tell her about the implant. Tell her about what Jorgmund's doing.]

[He almost does. He comes the closest he has so far to telling someone, and only barely holds back.]

Not long before the time I saw you last, you left the team pinned down by machine gun fire to go slapfight Tex.

[It's very risky categorizing that as "slapfighting" but the fact it was a monumental slugfest doesn't count when they were both evenly matched and it was just that petty.]

...So why do I still almost believe you?

[Almost.]

[ She's silent as she considers a response. ]

Last time something went wrong, we were all captured and trapped in a simulation designed to amplify our negative feelings until we'd choose to die.

Donut started pulling us out of it.

[ Yes. The pink one. The one you shot, Wash. Don't think too hard about it. ]

Everyone's simulation was tailored to them.

When the rest of you found me, I was fighting... me. Me as I was.

[ It sounds absolutely insane, she's sure, but... He's still listening, isn't he? ]

I couldn't beat her, Wash. She was stronger. I was obsessed with being number one back then, I haven't trained that hard in a long time.

But I had the rest of you.

{ She looks at him, straight to center. ]

You knew me. Maybe we didn't talk much, but you know how ashamed I was when I couldn't beat someone.

But I'm not anymore.

Maybe that's what you remember, I don't know.

[ She gives her head a pensive little shake, letting her gaze fall to her hands. ]

Whatever it is, though, I'm...

I guess I'm glad you have any faith in me at all.

Edited 2021-01-16 09:43 (UTC)

[He looks thoughtful through all of that, listening, letting her draw a line between the Carolina he knew to the one she is now. The longer she talks the more that sharp and almost suspicious look softens.]

[It tracks. It sounds genuine.]

[It makes sense given how hard and cold he was on arrival here and how he's already softening up a little. Even joking around. Due to old friends being alive, and friends he can't remember who've treated him well, and even some people starting to become new friends.]

[She'd had longer. With Tucker and his - no, with their friends.]

[Wash just...feels it. That it's honest.]

[...and wonders if something similar happened to him. With Tucker, he's standing in the shadow of a man that he can't really believe was himself.]

Okay.

[To clarify, he says:]

I'll try to just...trust it.

[Awkwardly.]

Uh. The trust, I mean.

So far it hasn't steered me wrong with Tucker.

[Just like that.]

Edited 2021-01-16 10:14 (UTC)

[ It's a relief. Carolina has been partially bracing for what she's going to do if this means losing him for good. It's not what she wants, but it's something that she will be able to endure better if she has that time to prepare.

Hopefully, it's not going to come to that. This is a good sign. ]

I'll try to stay worthy of it.

[ She cracks a smile. ]

[But then there's the other problem of her not being able to trust him.]

[Even aside from everything with Jorgmund.]

We're friends in the fu - in the time I can't remember. But you weren't around during the time I met the guys.

And Tucker says theyapparently absorbed me into the idiot collective - and I say "idiot" with some affection now -

[Genuinely. Tucker's an idiot sometimes but he does like him.]

- right after the point I remember.

[He looks at the clover in his hands.]

So do you know? About everything?

That I did?

I know about South.

I know about Donut. He survived, by the way.

I know about the time Grif had to hit you with a car.

I know about Maine.

I know about Alpha and the fragments.

[ She Knows, Wash. She stops counting them off. ]

...But I almost shot Tucker back then, and I'm at least... half responsible for the death of the Director.

Glass houses.

[His mouth makes a scandalized little :O shape at Tucker - in part because at this point if something happened to Tucker he'd kill everyone in that room and...well not himself. But everyone in that room. He checks himself, though.]

[He did shoot the pink - uh, Donut. And the robot.]

[And not just almost shoot. Actually shoot.]

Only one of those last two things is a problem.

[Another pause, as he thinks about it a little more.]

...but it was still probably hard to deal with.

[But he knows the old Carolina enough to know she wouldn't want to talk about that - about the tie to the Director - being revealed. Not with him. ~~Not with this him.~~]

[All the dirty laundry, she's seen it all. And all the good too, if she's from the same time as Tucker - from the present. Like they both are. That makes him want to know more about her - this her.]

[And also more about himself.]

What changed? For you? What got you through it?

Because I'm at one hell of a confusing crossroads and I can tell you're different. How did you get there?

It was hard. There were a couple of reality checks I needed bad.

I'll be honest with you, Wash. For a while I didn't feel like I could be a good person. I gave up. I put my whole self into finding a way to kill the Director, and I didn't expect to survive that.

[ She didn't even know what she would've done after it if it had gone how she thought it would. ]

I was lucky because I had the Reds and Blues. And you. And Epsilon. People who thought that maybe I could be better than that.

[Oh he gets that. Gets the "I don't expect to survive this." Only his problem was dealing with the stark horribleness of the after.]

[He still can't entirely see his way out of the weeds.]

And the part I'm still stuck on...

[He throws the clover aside and drags his hands down his face.]

How the hell did I help anyone think they could be better?

Especially you of all people.

You wouldn't even sit with me at lunch!

[It's frustrating, seeing this evidence of who he was, hearing Tucker talk about who he was, seeing her - Carolina - treating him so gently, like really matters, and having no clue how he got to be the person that inspired it.]

[ He sounds like himself when he's frustrated. She wishes she could hand it to him. ]

This... probably isn't going to help.

[ This is a super useful preface to something you know the other person probably isn't going to enjoy hearing.

It's a testament to how much time has passed and how much she really has been able to reflect that Carolina even can name any of this. ]

You challenged me.

I almost shot Tucker because the rest of you wouldn't help me storm the Director's bunker. The reason I didn't shoot Tucker is you pulled your gun on me, and told me to leave.

I needed people brave enough to tell me to fuck off, and you were. They were too, but you... you knew me before and you still did.

If I'd killed him, I think that would've been something I couldn't come back from.

Maybe you would've killed me. Maybe I would've died if the rest of you didn't come and pull me out of... the security system.

[ An army of Texes is definitely that, right? ]

Even if I'd survived, I think it would've been the last thing that broke me inside.

Edited 2021-01-16 21:23 (UTC)

No, that...

[That actually seems to make something click for him.]

[He sits there for a little bit stewing it over.]

That makes it seem less impossible. And huge. Too huge.

Defend one person and it makes another person think about why I had to.

That's not saving a planet.

[Love one team of people and realize how more people than them deserve someone to be a terrier on their behalf - like a planet facing a civil war.]

[See one planet as worth saving, and then all of time is an easier step.]

[Try to save each group, in escalating scale, and you learn the things you need to do it, like trust, loyalty, leadership, how to inspire people, and how to accept a steep self sacrifice with grace and dignity.]

It's not.

[ She agrees. ]

I helped the rest of you save that planet, and I couldn't have done that if I hadn't had a chance to save myself first.

[ She hesitates for just a moment, getting hold of a thought. ]

...There's a thing about chances, Wash. You can't demand more. You don't get to say when you're out of them for good, either. It's all other people, and what they decide to give you.

Sometimes they surprise you.

[He looks at her for a long time.]

I agree.

Which is why after finding out Tucker and the guys gave me one it feels like I can't ask for more.

I had my chance and whoever I became after is gone. And the most I can do is see if I can remember to be him again.

[He's told people the Stuff was responsible for both the brain damage being fixed and the memory loss. He knows the implant is what fixed the brain damage but Jorgmund told him the memory loss was from the Stuff. He thought saying that part was the truth.]

[But after that memory he had in the Infirmary he's questioning that now.]

[He isn't sure if getting the implant blown will bring his memories back. And he's scared of the price. What if the brain damage is worse because of it?]

I don't know what to do if I can't remember.

[ Carolina reaches over and places a hand on Wash's shoulder, gently. ]

Well.

I don't want to make this any weirder for you than it already is, Wash.

[ She knows this has to be weird. The familiarity here is not at all what he would remember. ]

But you've been my best friend for the last couple of years. If you're back where you were before any of us gave you a chance... I think it's only fair I try to help give you another one.

[He doesn't recoil. He doesn't jump. He'd punched York in the face for moving too fast to hug him, but when she reaches towards him, there's no fear. Just like there's no fear around Tucker.]

I think...I don't want to be what I am now. Especially knowing I became someone else.

I want to be better.

[He's not lying.]

[He suddenly winces, remembers sitting tense...on the interrogation chair? Exhausted as he said, "My friends made me better." But that didn't happen, he remembers his interrogation. He didn't even know about his friends then.]

[His friends made him better. The two of them had helped each other be better.]

[There's something else. Standing near the water, looking out. "You know I love you right?" A sigh. "I love you too."]

[Just as friends, probably. That's probably all they'd meant, but...]

[His expression changes to something deeply vulnerable.]

Can you help me?

[ She doesn't remove her hand. Something about that contact feels important. Stabilizing. ]

...Just to be clear. I did tell you that the way you helped me was by challenging me and telling me to fuck off, right?

[ Carolina wants to answer in the affirmative. She wants to help Wash, very much, but in a lot of ways that's a big ask. Things worked out as a sort of fortunate accident the first time. She's not sure she feels qualified to make a conscious effort to help someone else improve, and the first way she can really express that is through this nudge, a slightly nervous joke. A traumatized freelancer is a big responsibility, source: she is one and she knows. ]

Edited 2021-01-19 05:41 (UTC)

Ayep.

[This...isn't going to be easy. He knows that. It sounds like the first time he was able to work on things while hanging out in a peaceful place with a group of sim troopers, doing what? Playing capture the flag?]

[Here, navigating everything they have to navigate, it's not as simple.]

[But if he is going to try to navigate the Jorgmund thing to do something good, he has to have his head on straight. He has to stop thinking the way he does now.]

[Still, it's a big ask and he immediately feels self conscious for even asking it.]

But I know that's a lot. I shouldn't have asked.

I'm used to figuring things out on my own.

[ She takes a big, steadying breath. ]

It's okay. I want to help you, Wash, I'm just... not at all trained for this.

[ That's the point of fear. He's trusting her with real vulnerability here. It would be very easy for her to cause harm accidentally, no matter her good intentions. She doesn't want to do that to him. ]

...But if you want to talk to me, I'll listen. And if telling you off and putting you in a headlock if it seems like you're being a dick helps, I can do that.

There are good people here. You and Tucker. York and North. The other New Hires.

Some of them are kids.

[On his first mission out after Jorgmund had hammered home the leverage they had over his head, he'd almost actually brought back xenomorph eggs to a rig that had children living on it, to be studied by this world's resident Weyland-Yutani. At the last second, he'd risked Jorgmund blowing the implant by sabotaging every storage unique he could find so the specimens had been destroyed.]

[And he'd paid for it. Fortunately not with them blowing the implant but with a nice little shock, to remind him of his place.]

[But the fact he'd considered following through at all...]

The Easter Bunny is here. [He raises his eyebrows.] The Easter Bunny.

I can't be the person that shot those sim troopers to the Easter Bunny. That's getting into "blowing up a bus full of nuns and orphans" territory.

Edited 2021-01-19 06:23 (UTC)

[ Carolina lets go of his shoulder, but she does it by pushing off it with a little shove. It's the kind of friendly contact the Freelancers had with each other all the time, just never between the two of them in particular. ]

I understand. There are stakes.

[A nod.]

It was bad enough, what I did to the Reds. And to find out they forgave me, tried to hide me...

[It does make him feel guilty. Before this, he was closed off and cold, but not heartless.]

I don't want to do that again.

Then don't.

[ That could easily be dismissive, but it's not. It's encouraging. ]

I'm not going to pretend that's as easy as it sounds. I know what it's like to be pissed off, and scared, and to stop caring.

But it is easier when you're not alone.

[ And, as they've just established, at least he isn't alone anymore. ]

["Then don't." Like it's that simple. But it sounds like it was. He'd been a terrible person, the Reds and Blues had forgiven him and then... then maybe it took work but he also apparently had made some kind of snap decision and went with it.]

[And he can't remember that decision but he's already reaching the same point of being...]

Not alone.

I'm still getting used to that.

[And just like before, it already means something.]

But I want to get used to it. I think.

[This is the first he's admitting it to himself, the first he's really sitting down and deciding - solidly - what he's going to do. Verbalizing it in a way he hasn't been able to anywhere else.]

Tucker made it sound like it was a snap decision, them forgiving me, and me deciding to change. And I -

I think I'm starting to understand it because I'm starting to make the same one. I probably should've done it sooner but I've been on edge since I got here. And having dead friends show up, and a friend I don't remember, isn't the same as having that happen right in front of you, people hiding you and forgiving you and...protecting you.

[Because hiding him was protection.]

But I've had some time now and -

[He digs for the words, grasps at his chest.]

I want to make the same decision all over again, and I think I can feel the hole of - of what's supposed to there from when I made it the first time.

You get used to not being alone. It takes a while, but you do. If you need help, you've got me. You've got Tucker. You've got York.

[ She's also pretty sure he has that werewolf kid, but she hasn't gotten to properly talk to Stacia about all this yet. These three are certain. ]

As far as leaps of faith go, this one is probably smaller.

[ None of these three ever hit him with a car. ]

I know this doesn't make us friends in the same way we were before, but I'd like to be friends again, Wash.

[ Is there a less lame way of putting that? No? Well, there it is. Carolina doesn't see friendship as a crutch for the insufficient anymore, it's a source of strength. They made each other stronger as friends, and wanting it back is more than just self-interest. ]

[Wash nods a little nod.]

I think I'd like that. [There is an impish glint in his eye, something closer to the Wash she knows.] Especially since you'll probably let me sit with you at lunch now.

And just so you know, I'm going to try to find him again. The guy you knew. I think he's still in here.

[He touches a hand to his chest.]

You know, the last time South and I almost got into a fist fight - again - I just had this realization of how stupid we were being and how much it was locking us into our old patterns.

Then I lectured her about how she could be better.

Me. The guy who shot Donut. I lectured her about how she could do better, be better.

[He shakes his head.]

And these words that didn't sound like mine came from somewhere else and it felt like there was something inside me lecturing me too. Something that was definitely a little more poetic than I usually am.

"Mistakes are the dirt we grow from."

[She'll recognize those words.]

I told South that she made a mess, and she needed to clean it up.

And that I did, too. That was - that was the part that was directed at me - that I directed at myself? But it felt like it wasn't this me.

Edited 2021-02-15 00:37 (UTC)

AGENT WASHINGTON

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