You really okay?I know what it's like, pushing stuff down inside of you and everything. Trying to just seem invulnerable. But something I'm trying to learn is that it's okay to be vulnerable sometimes.
[There's a long, long silence for a moment there. When she speaks, she sounds a little distant.]
Where I'm from, the leader of one of the Five Great Ninja Villages is a Kage. We're from the Fire Kingdom, so our leader is the Hokage, the Fire Shadow. They're generally the wisest and most powerful ninja in the village.
When the villages were first figuring things out, pulling together, the second Hokage put out the Shinobi Code of Conduct. We get taught the Code in the Academy. It's full of things like "A shinobi must always put the mission first," "A shinobi must never show any weakness," "A shinobi must never show their tears." All stuff to help us kill off emotions and accomplish our missions more easily.
But people can't really live like that, you know? Or, if they do, they're not really people anymore.
...
[She sighs a bit.]
I'm not okay. I don't think I ever will be again. But its not your fault. It's not Adora's, either. I'm working on something else entirely. But I can't be vulnerable around anyone right now, because then they'll try to protect me and that's just...
[ She feels horrifyingly exposed now and she hates it. Maybe Tenten will take this and turn it into a weapon against her. Maybe she'll laugh at her. Maybe... Maybe... But finds herself caring. Wanting to get what she means across. ]
Growing up in the Horde, showing that you were vulnerable was the same as showing you were weak. You couldn't cry, you couldn't do talk to anyone. It--
[ Tenten can't see her but she grimaces. ]
It messed me up. It messed all of us up a lot. I don't want to protect you. That's fucking stupid.
Fuck. I'm so bad at this. Fuck.
[ Her voice gets further away for a moment, like she's stood up to pace away from her comm or something. A moment or two later her voice returns, louder. ]
I just want you to be able to be fucking honest with me. And I want to know that I didn't like. Mess up something good I had. Again. Because that's all I fucking do in my life, Ten.
[Tenten closes her eyes, lying back on the deck, and listens. She can almost imagine Catra's expressions. The way she screws up her face when she tries to admit to having normal people feelings. Her lips quirk a little at the final insult.]
I... care about you too.
[Just ignore that hesitation as she substitutes an acceptable word.]
I'm not fragile enough that I can't take the fact that you don't love me. It hurts, but I'm a big girl. I guess I'm just-I've gotta figure out what to do, you know?
[She lets out a little huff, then grunts as she sits back up, watching the wind play over the dunes. Starting to get a little bit cooler out here now.]
I don't want to seem like everything I say is coded to get you to return my feelings. And I know you don't feel that way, but it's this dumb little niggling I have in the back of my head.
And that's not why I think anyone would try to protect me. The three of us are probably the only ones who care about our relationship drama.
[You've done such a great job of showing how mature and emotionally capable you are so far, Catra. Though Tenten will admit that she's definitely made some strides.
She sighs, then goes for a little change of subject.]
Speaking of not thinking badly of me, I take it Adora didn't get mad over this whole thing?
So I guess I should've tossed you over my shoulder and said "We're dating now" weeks ago, if possessive is what you like.
[She's laughing, though. It's quiet and trails off shortly. Her next words are a bit more sober.]
I can kind of guess where she's coming from, though. You two were friends, then enemies trying to kill each other, and then you got forced to be friends again when you ended up here, right? My guess would be that she was trying to show that she trusted you not to hurt her again. If it were me in that position, I think I'd wonder if being visibly jealous would show a lack of trust.
And, you know. Being Adora. Heroes care about feelings.
[They tend to swerve between way too light and way too heavy, don't they?]
You deserve more than you think you do. Maybe one day you'll stop finding ways to tear at yourself, take a step back, and see why Adora and I love you the way we do.
I just... Okay, I get how Adora fell for me. Kind of. She knew me before. But you only ever--I was a complete asshole. I'm still a complete asshole.
[ It doesn't make sense, okay? GOD. She groans into the comm. ]
I just spent a lot of time hurting people for stupid reasons. Because I was hurting. I hurt Adora because I wanted her to feel as bad as I did.
[ She is going deep her and probably shouldn't. ]
I want us to keep being friends, you know? It's important. I've never really called someone who isn't Adora my friend before.
[ How does she say 'I love you but I don't know if I love you the way you love me and even if I did I don't know what that would mean for me' in fewer, less complicated words? ]
You've been a little rude to me now and then, but you were hardly irredeemable. I don't know, sometimes someone trying to hurt or kill you isn't enough to keep them from taking your hand later?
[She's sat back and seen Naruto befriend so many people she never would have. Enemies of Konoha. Gaara. Pain. She still wanted to fight Temari again, some day, and pay her back, but the rest of the Hidden Sand... Their betrayal was really only business, when you got down to it.]
When Adora and I first met, we talked about you, did you know that? She was surprised to hear that you were helping me, and genuinely happy that you weren't fighting with everyone you met. I honestly didn't think that, whatever your problems, they were as serious as I learned later. I think she's honestly and genuinely forgiven you for any pain you might have caused. So, please, forgive yourself? Because the only one who thinks that you should feel bad here seems to be you.
[...That went on more than she expected. If this were text, she'd probably delete most of it.]
I'll be your friend. Always. I just. Need some time to figure out how to handle this. It's not you. I've got a lot I'm dealing with.
Maybe a week after we first showed up here? We ran into each other in the gym.
[It's almost as if Catra were a good conversation subject!
Brr. She shivers a little. It's getting a lot colder out here now, but going in would mean ending the conversation. And it's good to know Catra wants to talk.]
I kinda wish we were somewhere else, though. Friend stuff is hard to do. It's not like I can take you out for barbecue or check out a store, you know?
[ Her voice is low and serious. Adora had been her only friend--the only friend she had wanted. Adora had tried to get her to be closer with others, but the imposing figure of Shadow Weaver had shadowed every possible relationship. Even if she had wanted them. ]
[That tone just kills any levity in Tenten's voice and, instinctively, she ducks her head in abashment. Catra can't see it, but it's still there.]
This is a bad place for it. And I know that, with the feelings that've been aired between us, our friendship isn't exactly... normal. But I'll keep trying to maintain our relationship as long as you like.
Shadow Weaver, the woman who basically raised us... She didn't like me. Always told me I was dragging Adora down and holding her back. And because she didn't like me, no one else liked me.
[ A pause. Her tail twitches, unseen. She has to do this. ]
And I pushed everyone who wasn't Adora away. Because Adora was the only one who didn't care about what Shadow Weaver said. She kept being my friend anyway.
[Shadow Weaver was such a cool name, though! Too bad it sounds like she was a real bitch.]
I'm sorry.
[It's lame that this is all she can think of to say. Especially when admitting this, it's got to be rough on Catra. She had so much pride.]
This... might be stupid. Or personal. But if everyone didn't like you and you didn't like them, why didn't you go off with Adora and become a She-Ra or whatever too? Was it just out of loyalty for the Horde?
[ Catra snaps a reply before she can stop herself, then tries to correct, her voice strained. ]
I... I didn't think I could, anyway.
[ She fidgets, not sure how much mroe she can say without making herself feel too vulnerable for comfort. ]
Because when--when I saw her leave the Horde on the word of two strangers, when it took her seeing people who weren't me being hurt by the Horde... when I got hurt by it every day...
[ She trailed off. ]
It meant she didn't actually need me. Or want me. She was just like everyone else. She promised to always be there for me and then she left. Like it was nothing. Like it was easy.
And the worst part is that it was that easy but I couldn't let myself believe that. All I ever wanted was to be next to her, no matter what it was. I didn't care if she loved me back, I just wanted--I just wanted to be there. And she left. Told me to stay there and cover for her, she'd be back in no time and the next time I see her she's my enemy.
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[ A pause. ]
You really okay?I know what it's like, pushing stuff down inside of you and everything. Trying to just seem invulnerable. But something I'm trying to learn is that it's okay to be vulnerable sometimes.
[ Ugh. UGH. She's so bad at this. ]
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Where I'm from, the leader of one of the Five Great Ninja Villages is a Kage. We're from the Fire Kingdom, so our leader is the Hokage, the Fire Shadow. They're generally the wisest and most powerful ninja in the village.
When the villages were first figuring things out, pulling together, the second Hokage put out the Shinobi Code of Conduct. We get taught the Code in the Academy. It's full of things like "A shinobi must always put the mission first," "A shinobi must never show any weakness," "A shinobi must never show their tears." All stuff to help us kill off emotions and accomplish our missions more easily.
But people can't really live like that, you know? Or, if they do, they're not really people anymore.
...
[She sighs a bit.]
I'm not okay. I don't think I ever will be again. But its not your fault. It's not Adora's, either. I'm working on something else entirely. But I can't be vulnerable around anyone right now, because then they'll try to protect me and that's just...
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[ She feels horrifyingly exposed now and she hates it. Maybe Tenten will take this and turn it into a weapon against her. Maybe she'll laugh at her. Maybe... Maybe... But finds herself caring. Wanting to get what she means across. ]
Growing up in the Horde, showing that you were vulnerable was the same as showing you were weak. You couldn't cry, you couldn't do talk to anyone. It--
[ Tenten can't see her but she grimaces. ]
It messed me up. It messed all of us up a lot. I don't want to protect you. That's fucking stupid.
Fuck. I'm so bad at this. Fuck.
[ Her voice gets further away for a moment, like she's stood up to pace away from her comm or something. A moment or two later her voice returns, louder. ]
I just want you to be able to be fucking honest with me. And I want to know that I didn't like. Mess up something good I had. Again. Because that's all I fucking do in my life, Ten.
[ UGH. ]
I care about you, idiot.
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I... care about you too.
[Just ignore that hesitation as she substitutes an acceptable word.]
I'm not fragile enough that I can't take the fact that you don't love me. It hurts, but I'm a big girl. I guess I'm just-I've gotta figure out what to do, you know?
[She lets out a little huff, then grunts as she sits back up, watching the wind play over the dunes. Starting to get a little bit cooler out here now.]
I don't want to seem like everything I say is coded to get you to return my feelings. And I know you don't feel that way, but it's this dumb little niggling I have in the back of my head.
And that's not why I think anyone would try to protect me. The three of us are probably the only ones who care about our relationship drama.
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[ Catra admits that much. ]
Maybe just. Trust me not to think so badly of you? I know you're like, a ninja or whatever but I trust you.
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She sighs, then goes for a little change of subject.]
Speaking of not thinking badly of me, I take it Adora didn't get mad over this whole thing?
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[ Catra pauses to roll her eyes. Not that Ten can see it. ]
No. She wasn't mad about it all. That's Adora for you.
[ She'd kind of wanted Adora to be mad. Not at Tenten, but... in general?
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[She says it with a smile, and hope it crosses over into her voice.]
I'm glad for the two of you, though. I wouldn't want you to fight because of me or something dumb like that.
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[ Catra squirms a little. ]
...I kind of wanted her to be angry.
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[ Catra is so stupid. She groans. ]
I wanted her to be... possessive. But she was all asking if it was something I wanted and how I was feeling and what I wanted to do and--
[ Catra makes a soft scoffing noise under her breath. ]
She was all Adora about it.
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[She's laughing, though. It's quiet and trails off shortly. Her next words are a bit more sober.]
I can kind of guess where she's coming from, though. You two were friends, then enemies trying to kill each other, and then you got forced to be friends again when you ended up here, right? My guess would be that she was trying to show that she trusted you not to hurt her again. If it were me in that position, I think I'd wonder if being visibly jealous would show a lack of trust.
And, you know. Being Adora. Heroes care about feelings.
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[ Catra laughs, though. The image of Tenten throwing Catra over her shoulder is just... really funny. And kinda cute. ]
Yeah, I get that now. We were just miscommunicating.
[ Sigh. ]
You're... really cool, Tenten. I really don't deserve to have you as a friend. Or anything else.
[ Oof. That maybe got a little heavy. ]
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[They tend to swerve between way too light and way too heavy, don't they?]
You deserve more than you think you do. Maybe one day you'll stop finding ways to tear at yourself, take a step back, and see why Adora and I love you the way we do.
Because if you didn't, we wouldn't.
[Therefore...]
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[ It doesn't make sense, okay? GOD. She groans into the comm. ]
I just spent a lot of time hurting people for stupid reasons. Because I was hurting. I hurt Adora because I wanted her to feel as bad as I did.
[ She is going deep her and probably shouldn't. ]
I want us to keep being friends, you know? It's important. I've never really called someone who isn't Adora my friend before.
[ How does she say 'I love you but I don't know if I love you the way you love me and even if I did I don't know what that would mean for me' in fewer, less complicated words? ]
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[She's sat back and seen Naruto befriend so many people she never would have. Enemies of Konoha. Gaara. Pain. She still wanted to fight Temari again, some day, and pay her back, but the rest of the Hidden Sand... Their betrayal was really only business, when you got down to it.]
When Adora and I first met, we talked about you, did you know that? She was surprised to hear that you were helping me, and genuinely happy that you weren't fighting with everyone you met. I honestly didn't think that, whatever your problems, they were as serious as I learned later. I think she's honestly and genuinely forgiven you for any pain you might have caused. So, please, forgive yourself? Because the only one who thinks that you should feel bad here seems to be you.
[...That went on more than she expected. If this were text, she'd probably delete most of it.]
I'll be your friend. Always. I just. Need some time to figure out how to handle this. It's not you. I've got a lot I'm dealing with.
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[ People talked? About her??? What??? ]
Well. Good. On the friends thing, not the you have a lot going on thing.
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[It's almost as if Catra were a good conversation subject!
Brr. She shivers a little. It's getting a lot colder out here now, but going in would mean ending the conversation. And it's good to know Catra wants to talk.]
I kinda wish we were somewhere else, though. Friend stuff is hard to do. It's not like I can take you out for barbecue or check out a store, you know?
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[ SIGH. She's doing her best, okay? ]
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[ Her voice is low and serious. Adora had been her only friend--the only friend she had wanted. Adora had tried to get her to be closer with others, but the imposing figure of Shadow Weaver had shadowed every possible relationship. Even if she had wanted them. ]
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[That tone just kills any levity in Tenten's voice and, instinctively, she ducks her head in abashment. Catra can't see it, but it's still there.]
This is a bad place for it. And I know that, with the feelings that've been aired between us, our friendship isn't exactly... normal. But I'll keep trying to maintain our relationship as long as you like.
...The platonic side of our relationship, I mean.
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[ Catra hesitates for a moment then presses on. ]
Shadow Weaver, the woman who basically raised us... She didn't like me. Always told me I was dragging Adora down and holding her back. And because she didn't like me, no one else liked me.
[ A pause. Her tail twitches, unseen. She has to do this. ]
And I pushed everyone who wasn't Adora away. Because Adora was the only one who didn't care about what Shadow Weaver said. She kept being my friend anyway.
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[Shadow Weaver was such a cool name, though! Too bad it sounds like she was a real bitch.]
I'm sorry.
[It's lame that this is all she can think of to say. Especially when admitting this, it's got to be rough on Catra. She had so much pride.]
This... might be stupid. Or personal. But if everyone didn't like you and you didn't like them, why didn't you go off with Adora and become a She-Ra or whatever too? Was it just out of loyalty for the Horde?
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[ Catra snaps a reply before she can stop herself, then tries to correct, her voice strained. ]
I... I didn't think I could, anyway.
[ She fidgets, not sure how much mroe she can say without making herself feel too vulnerable for comfort. ]
Because when--when I saw her leave the Horde on the word of two strangers, when it took her seeing people who weren't me being hurt by the Horde... when I got hurt by it every day...
[ She trailed off. ]
It meant she didn't actually need me. Or want me. She was just like everyone else. She promised to always be there for me and then she left. Like it was nothing. Like it was easy.
And the worst part is that it was that easy but I couldn't let myself believe that. All I ever wanted was to be next to her, no matter what it was. I didn't care if she loved me back, I just wanted--I just wanted to be there. And she left. Told me to stay there and cover for her, she'd be back in no time and the next time I see her she's my enemy.
[ There's a pause here, longer. Uncertain. ]
I wanted to hurt her as badly as she had hurt me.
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