goneawaycomms | Agent North

Dating me?

[ Now that, that's news to him. ]

All she told me was that we were friends, and that I got her through a lot of stuff, and that I visited her a lot when she was in the hospital even though I was...so busy...

Oh.

[ Now he wonders how he hadn't cottoned on to this himself, earlier. ]

[ She’d laugh at his cluelessness any other time, but not now; right now she just rolls her eyes and grunts, still not looking back at him. ]

Yeah. Oh. Congrats on the new fucking ex.

[ Her good fist clenches. God she wants to hit something. ]

All I fucking get is some woman I don’t even know who has a fucking stick up her ass about shit I never did and because she fucking cares about you, then I’m clearly the fucking devil.

Edited 2021-02-08 04:59 (UTC)

Nat...

[ He pauses, and sighs. ]

Maybe I'd better talk to her about whatever she said to you. But listen, I don't know her. Okay? You're my sister and we're okay here. I mean, we're not doing perfect, but when were we ever?

[ He'd shot her in the leg, for Christ's sake. She wasn't the only guilty party in any contest between them for worse twin. ]

I know, I— I know. I’m trying, Drew, I’m really fucking trying and that’s the fucking problem because no one else fucking cares that I’m trying because I fucking— I—

[ She’s shaking, just a little. Tries to take another deep breath. ]

She knows shit. Private fucking shit. She didn’t say it outright but it was fucking obvious.

[ He huffs out a sigh. ]

Well, I suppose if we dated that would be inevitable.

[ He reaches with his free hand and nudges her chin to get her to look at him. ]

I haven't written you off, you know.

[ She doesn’t resist, she turns to look at him again, and there’s that vulnerable look behind her eyes. Raw. ]

Not that kind of private shit. I think— I think she knows what I did, Drew. Said shit about me being afraid she’d tell you something.

[ He lowers his hand again, bringing it to his lap. ]

Oh. I see.

[ There's a faraway look that comes into his eyes for a moment there, considering how he feels about that. South hadn't meant for him to die, he knows. But that hardly makes things better, some of the time. He'd told her he'd forgiven her, and they'd hugged. So as long as he ignores what she did, they have fun together and laugh and talk. It's the same way he ignores what Washington did to her. If he ignores these things, and tells people he forgives them, eventually it should come true, right?

And then he's back with her, looking at her, and his lips twist into a grimace for a moment. ]

I suppose if that's what she's holding against you...I really do need to talk to her.

[ She watches his hand move away and then she stares at him, her good hand digging fingertips into her leg. What is he hiding now? ]

Why? It’s our business, not hers. The others don’t even know the whole story!

[ Because she knows they wouldn’t care. Because it doesn’t change anything. Because she’s the bitch who killed her brother no matter the details. ]

If she knows some version of the story I ought to make sure it's the right version.

[ He looks away, across from them. ]

If she's going to be here, and if she's going to hold stuff against you that she shouldn't, then I should do something about it.

Edited 2021-02-08 05:41 (UTC)

You’re doing it again, Drew. You’re not— you’re not getting what I’m saying.

[ She buries her face in her hands. ]

I don’t fucking care if she holds it against me, she’s just some fucking random woman I’ve never met before! I’m more worried about her fucking using it against me somehow and it doesn’t matter what version she knows then, does it?

No one else will care about the fucking details. No one will—

[ She makes a frustrated noise. She’s shaking again. ]

[ He frowns. ]

Yeah, okay; I get your concern. I'll make sure that's the focus when I talk to her, then. Up to and including threatening her, if I have to.

Jesus fucking...

[ She’s torn between some kind of relief that he’d go to bat for her that hard and the fact she really doesn’t want him talking about any of this with her. It’s their business, and what if she just turns it back on him? Convinces him that she’s dangerous, that he shouldn’t be forgiving her in the first place? ]

I just... I just want this to stay between us.

[ Her voice is quiet. She rubs at her face. ]

[ He continues to frown. ]

You want me to ignore that she knows things about this? I don't think that's a good idea. Especially if you're worried about her using it against you.

[ She doesn’t know what to say.

Her fears are all tangled up. If he says nothing to Wrath, then she could spread shit about her at any time. If he talks to Wrath, she might make him change his mind, or he might talk himself into it, and if he’s hiding something again...

She’s just getting used to having her brother back. And now this. ]

...I don’t know. I don’t— I don’t know, Drew, I don’t know what to do.

[ Her voice cracks again. ]

Hey, hey.

[ He wraps his other arm around her, bending his head to be near hers. ]

Don't do that. You can't ignore your way out of this.

[ She barely resists the urge to snap at how cheap that is, coming from him, but she does. Even if she has to literally bite her tongue to do it.

Despite herself, she leans into him and tries to calm herself down a little, but her breathing is shaky. ]

...I’m not proud of what I did. But everyone always seems to think—

[ She swallows thickly. ]

Everyone always thinks the fucking worst of me.

[ Not that she does anything to help that. Not that she lets herself show so much as a hint of the mountain of regret she feels to anyone else. ]

You can't control what other people think of you. You know that.

[ He rubs her upper arm for a moment, then gives her another squeeze. ]

I won't talk to her about it if you really don't want me to.

I know and you know I don’t usually give a fuck what anyone thinks, but this is... this is different. They all think I’m shameless about this shit! But if I could go back I wouldn’t do it, Drew. I wouldn’t fucking do it.

[ She sags into him, tucks her head between his chin and chest. It’s even rarer for her to seek out comfort like this than calling on him in the first place, but this is... a unique situation. ]

I don’t know what I want. I just don’t want her to ruin everything.

[ But there’s more than one way to do that, and talking to her opens up more ways for this to get worse. ]

[ He starts to rock her, just a slight back-and-forth motion. ]

I know you wouldn't.

[ She's more upset about this than he would have expected. He just holds her for a while, occasionally making a light 'shh'. ]

You're scared and I understand that. You don't know how to face this unknown factor. But I think it's better to address it than to ignore it. That's just me.

[ She tries again to steady her breathing. God, she’s glad she didn’t go back to the dorms; without doors it’s too open, she doesn’t want to know how much other people have heard every time they’ve talked there. Here, at least, they’re actually alone.

She doesn’t remember the last time they sat like this. The last time this was able to calm her down. ]

I fuckin’... missed you. The whole fucking time.

[ It’s quiet, muffled. As if trying to hide it even from him, but not quite. But her next words are clearer. ]

I... maybe. S’hard to think straight right now.

[ He stops rocking her, but remains embracing her. ]

I can tell.

[ She's going to need a tissue soon, even though she hasn't outright wept. That or she'll use his shirt, which he doesn't really mind, per se. ]

I am going to talk to her sometime soon, because I want to know more about this whole 'we dated' thing. So, you know, this part's liable to come up. I just want you to know that.

[ She flinches, a little, but the more she protests the more he’ll ask why and she knows she can’t control him any more than he can her, and more than that she doesn’t want to control him. So she just wraps her good arm around his torso and buries her face in his shirt, nodding a little. ]

Okay. Okay.

[ She exhales, inhales. Slow and deep. There’s the slightest tremble where her good hand grips his shirt. ]

Drew... I’m sorry.

[ No minute long hesitation, this time. ]

[ She's told him this before but this time sounds more genuine. He pats her shoulder. ]

I know, Nat. But thank you for saying so again.

[ He starts rocking again. If she were to look at him, she'd see that he's got tears glistening in his eyes. But they're not threatening to drop. He's just misty. ]

[ She’s quiet for a long moment, going with his gentle rocking without a word, her eyes closed. She sniffles, just once, but at the risk of actual tears she’s quick to wipe them on his shirt.

There’s so much she’s holding back and she knows there’s something he’s hiding, too, but they’re trying, right? They’re really trying. ]

...we’re out of sync, you know.

[ She mumbles it whilst she’s drying her eyes, face still hidden. ]

S’my fault, ‘course, but...

[ That's never been true, not in their entire lives. Not until... ]

Yeah, I know. I know.

[ He blinks back that mistiness in his eyes and looks down at her, at her hair. ]

How long?

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