goneawaycomms | Agent North

Jesus fucking...

[ She’s torn between some kind of relief that he’d go to bat for her that hard and the fact she really doesn’t want him talking about any of this with her. It’s their business, and what if she just turns it back on him? Convinces him that she’s dangerous, that he shouldn’t be forgiving her in the first place? ]

I just... I just want this to stay between us.

[ Her voice is quiet. She rubs at her face. ]

[ He continues to frown. ]

You want me to ignore that she knows things about this? I don't think that's a good idea. Especially if you're worried about her using it against you.

[ She doesn’t know what to say.

Her fears are all tangled up. If he says nothing to Wrath, then she could spread shit about her at any time. If he talks to Wrath, she might make him change his mind, or he might talk himself into it, and if he’s hiding something again...

She’s just getting used to having her brother back. And now this. ]

...I don’t know. I don’t— I don’t know, Drew, I don’t know what to do.

[ Her voice cracks again. ]

Hey, hey.

[ He wraps his other arm around her, bending his head to be near hers. ]

Don't do that. You can't ignore your way out of this.

[ She barely resists the urge to snap at how cheap that is, coming from him, but she does. Even if she has to literally bite her tongue to do it.

Despite herself, she leans into him and tries to calm herself down a little, but her breathing is shaky. ]

...I’m not proud of what I did. But everyone always seems to think—

[ She swallows thickly. ]

Everyone always thinks the fucking worst of me.

[ Not that she does anything to help that. Not that she lets herself show so much as a hint of the mountain of regret she feels to anyone else. ]

You can't control what other people think of you. You know that.

[ He rubs her upper arm for a moment, then gives her another squeeze. ]

I won't talk to her about it if you really don't want me to.

I know and you know I don’t usually give a fuck what anyone thinks, but this is... this is different. They all think I’m shameless about this shit! But if I could go back I wouldn’t do it, Drew. I wouldn’t fucking do it.

[ She sags into him, tucks her head between his chin and chest. It’s even rarer for her to seek out comfort like this than calling on him in the first place, but this is... a unique situation. ]

I don’t know what I want. I just don’t want her to ruin everything.

[ But there’s more than one way to do that, and talking to her opens up more ways for this to get worse. ]

[ He starts to rock her, just a slight back-and-forth motion. ]

I know you wouldn't.

[ She's more upset about this than he would have expected. He just holds her for a while, occasionally making a light 'shh'. ]

You're scared and I understand that. You don't know how to face this unknown factor. But I think it's better to address it than to ignore it. That's just me.

[ She tries again to steady her breathing. God, she’s glad she didn’t go back to the dorms; without doors it’s too open, she doesn’t want to know how much other people have heard every time they’ve talked there. Here, at least, they’re actually alone.

She doesn’t remember the last time they sat like this. The last time this was able to calm her down. ]

I fuckin’... missed you. The whole fucking time.

[ It’s quiet, muffled. As if trying to hide it even from him, but not quite. But her next words are clearer. ]

I... maybe. S’hard to think straight right now.

[ He stops rocking her, but remains embracing her. ]

I can tell.

[ She's going to need a tissue soon, even though she hasn't outright wept. That or she'll use his shirt, which he doesn't really mind, per se. ]

I am going to talk to her sometime soon, because I want to know more about this whole 'we dated' thing. So, you know, this part's liable to come up. I just want you to know that.

[ She flinches, a little, but the more she protests the more he’ll ask why and she knows she can’t control him any more than he can her, and more than that she doesn’t want to control him. So she just wraps her good arm around his torso and buries her face in his shirt, nodding a little. ]

Okay. Okay.

[ She exhales, inhales. Slow and deep. There’s the slightest tremble where her good hand grips his shirt. ]

Drew... I’m sorry.

[ No minute long hesitation, this time. ]

[ She's told him this before but this time sounds more genuine. He pats her shoulder. ]

I know, Nat. But thank you for saying so again.

[ He starts rocking again. If she were to look at him, she'd see that he's got tears glistening in his eyes. But they're not threatening to drop. He's just misty. ]

[ She’s quiet for a long moment, going with his gentle rocking without a word, her eyes closed. She sniffles, just once, but at the risk of actual tears she’s quick to wipe them on his shirt.

There’s so much she’s holding back and she knows there’s something he’s hiding, too, but they’re trying, right? They’re really trying. ]

...we’re out of sync, you know.

[ She mumbles it whilst she’s drying her eyes, face still hidden. ]

S’my fault, ‘course, but...

[ That's never been true, not in their entire lives. Not until... ]

Yeah, I know. I know.

[ He blinks back that mistiness in his eyes and looks down at her, at her hair. ]

How long?

...had our birthday not too long before arriving here.

[ She sighs, lifts her head at last. There’s still a little glistening in her eyes but she just swipes at them with the back of her wrist. ]

Didn’t even realise until it was already past. Fuck.

So a few months, huh?

[ Several months, more like, but... ]

So now you're the older sibling.

[ That's really weird to think of. That she's lived longer than him. ]

Yeah, guess so. My turn to boss you around, huh?

[ It’s meant to be a joke but she can’t even muster a strained smile, and her tone is flat. Tired. ]

Fuck. [ she rests her head against his shoulder ] Always fuckin’ hated you calling me your ‘little sister’, you ass, but feels... wrong. Not being that.

[ More than minutes in it, now. ]

Yeah.

[ His tone is quiet, barely above a whisper. The hand on her shoulder rubs a small circle for a few moments. ]

We need to just...keep up being open, okay? It'll get better that way.

[ She nods a little. ]

I’m trying. S’not easy, but... you know that. Took me like, twenty minutes to fucking ask you down here but... fuck, I knew I needed to. Needed to talk.

[ Despite her lingering fear about what Wrath will do or say, she does feel better for having talked about it. ]

[ He smiles faintly. ]

Gee, that must be some kind of record. Only twenty?

[ She snorts and shoves him playfully with her shoulder. ]

Oh fuck you. You’re such an asshole.

[ But it’s fond, fonder than usual, without a hint of bite. She even manages a faint smile to match his, and she leans right back into him after the shove. ]

[ He snickers and raises his hand off her shoulder to give her a light thwack on the back of the head. ]

Careful, you don't want people to overhear.

[ She mock-rubs her head and snickers a little, too, retorting easily. ]

Hey, I picked here to mope for a reason. No one’s ever around.

Thinking ahead, were you?

[ He chuckles and gives her one last too-hard squeeze before releasing her. ]

Love ya. Big sister.

Love you too, little brother.

[ She half-laughs half-cringes before she even finishes saying it, half-heartedly shouldering him and flopping back against the seat. ]

Fuckin' hell, nope, that's too weird. Never saying that again.

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