goneawaycomms | BRAINIAC 5

[Brainy's response to the way Robbie shows up at their door with the celery is to laugh himself stupid.]

[Sorry if you were going for true romance there, Robbie.]

[He manages to squeeze out the words.]

They're lovely. If only I had a vase to suit them.

[ Are you kidding? Querl’s laughing at his dumb play on social expectations? This is true romance.

Robbie leans on the door frame, which is no longer just mocking them with its lack of door, and continues to hold out the ‘bouquet’ for Querl to take. ]

Woah, let’s not get greedy. I’m still excited we have a door.

[ There is nothing sweeter than making someone laugh on cue. He just wants to soak it in with big heart eyes. ]

[He takes the "bouquet" with one hand and also tugs on Robbie's arm to make him come all the way in the room.]

Get in here. The point of a door is for you to be on the same side of it as me.

Edited 2021-01-14 04:01 (UTC)

[ Robbie laughs as he’s drug inside, just a pure merry laugh without any pretense, because Brainy’s reaction has thrilled him into temporarily forgetting even why they should be excited to have a door. He’s simply happy in this moment.

He steps further than he’s pulled, until he’s close enough to dip his head down and murmur sotto voce. ]

No-ooo, a thousand years of soap operas says the point of being on the same side of a door with you is for one of us to slam it shut and push the other one up against it.

[ Robbie moves back and slams the door shut, then raises on eyebrow questioningly at Querl. He wants consent for something that bold, to hell with losing style points. ]

[Querl's eyes pop open wide.]

I appreciate you seeking consent but just...please make a note in the future that as long as I seem to be in a good mood you don't have to ask.

[A firm "please do."]

[ He didn’t realize how nervous he was until he was waiting through the longest ‘yes’ in history.

But it is a yes, with future yeses tied up in it, and Robbie has painted himself into a role to play, or some other jumble of metaphors. And the funny thing is, he knows what to do, even if he’s never done it before. He gets one hand on Querl’s hip and the other on Querl’s cheek, and spins them both, pushing Querl until his back thumps against the door. The hand on Querl’s cheek has slid into his hair until Robbie’s fingers curl around the back of his head to take the impact.

But that’s tv, and knowing how to move in a fight. ]

Understood.

[ Now, he’s pinning his willing boyfriend bodily up against the wall, and kissing him is suddenly the safer option, with closed eyes and busy mouths keeping the nerves at bay.

It’s a freer kiss than Robbie’s given him before. Eager, slightly messy, and highly educational. Robbie, for instance, learns that he enjoys this feeling of minor dominance almost as much as he likes having kisses stolen. ]

[Even though he gave him permission he didn't realize how into it he was going to be until Robbie does it. There is the smallest shaky breath, the smallest gasp, into Robbie's mouth that makes it clear this is definitely working for him.]

[He kisses back with an enthusiasm that's a little more aggressive than in the past, during the times he was being gentle with Robbie, wanting to not overwhelm him. The kiss meets some force to match and also a little more tongue than is decent.]

[Everything they've had has been very sweet and there's certainly attraction running through it, but they've never quite gotten this...fervent yet.]

[ Fervent is entirely Robbie’s fault. He came into this wound up - wound up about Querl even if it’s entirely a meathead, “You don’t talk about my boyfriend that way” thing. He’s always been protective of Brainy, and to be tossed from that to the salaciousness of having a door to Querl laughing at his joke... it’s overwhelming for reasons that have nothing to do with the actual kiss.

(Which is nothing against the kiss. The kiss is fantastic, in Robbie’s estimation, which is currently bewitched and bemused and very, very biased in its naïveté. But to hell with it, it’s the best kiss he can remember.)

And it’s so much easier to go press on than it is to retreat and poke at his feelings with a stick. Querl’s happy, by his own admittance, and he’s happy. For one minute, they can pretend that door to really does keep out the bad stuff, and he can try to kiss Querl the way he deserves to be kissed, or until Robbie’s so breathless he has to break away with a giddy half smile that keeps breaking back across his face every time he tries to take a breath and play it cool. ]

You’re amazing.

[ Robbie tilts his head to the side and leans his forehead against the door to hide his face. It leaves them cheek to cheek and lets him whisper in Querl’s ear like they’re trading state secrets. ]

Don’t tell anyone, but you’re perfect, and I want you to laugh at my stupid jokes all the time, because then you’re all lowbrow imperfect like me which makes you more perfect somehow.

[ Robbie laughs, delighted at his own babble, with its bold, blatant compliments. He feels nervy and daring and alive for instigating this. ]

[There is a little gasp, partly because of Robbie's breath tickling at his ear, partly because of the intimacy of their cheeks sliding against each other, and partly because of the sentiment.]

[He drops the celery and both hands now grasp at the fabric of Robbie's uniform. Tightly.]

It means more to me than I could ever explain. That you like me best when I get to also be a sentient. Not just a problem solver or a hero or...

[Words fail him.]

I like not being a machine. Even with the team, they love me and they understand the burden of what they ask of me, but it's still "insert problem, get solution" because they need someone who can do that.

[His voice drops to a whisper, much closer to Robbie's ear.]

I like having someone with whom I can just be...emotional. Messy.

Unwound...

[He gently guides Robbie's chin so he can look at him face to face again, as Brainy stares up at him with hooded green eyes.]

Undone.

[ He thought he understood the appeal of dating Querl. A mutual understanding and empathy leading to friendship, a natural progression through a linear connect-the-dots of all the clues Robbie should’ve had before friendship kaleidoscoped into more. ]

Yes. Please.

[ Emotional, messy, unwound, and undone. That’s both of them right now. This wasn’t brought on by a crush. Querl was attractive, yes, but that wasn’t what got Robbie on board with dating. It isn’t how he looks; it’s how he looks looking at Robbie like that. Vulnerable and coquettish, and Robbie doesn’t know if he wants to protect him or accost him. Both. Both is good. ]

And if you want to be bossy and tell me the solution, I’m into it, but ... I’m into what you want in general.

[ Case in point, Robbie is trying very hard to not look away, even if he feels like he’s the one coming undone, like his insides are turning into a proof of bubble quantum gravity. ]

I want messy. No - I want you, the mess and the boring clothes and your obsession with blowing things up which isn’t part of standard testing, I checked. All of it, and I don’t deserve any of it. I don’t even know what to do with you, but I don’t want to back up so good luck getting off this door.

[ He goes to steal a soft kiss, intending to only brush their lips together. ]

[Brainy keeps the brush of their lips gentle.]

[And then pulls away to fix that gaze on him again.]

I told you once that I would hold onto positive regard for you, even if you didn't understand why.

[He trails a finger lightly along his jawline.]

I need you to trust that there are some things I know that you don't entirely grasp, and this is one of them: You do deserve this.

You deserve more than this. And even if you can't believe that then at the very least you must simply accept that it's what I want to give you.

[He draws in a shuddery breath and lets it out.]

And I want to...give you more than this. Not right now, not -

[He gets flustered, his cheeks turning a darker green.]

The timing isn't right. There are things I need to confront emotionally. With regards to...relaxing personal boundaries.

[He breathes the next words out.]

But I want you to know the desire is there.

[ Mayday, mayday, mayday. What was Brainy trying to say? He couldn’t - he didn’t mean that. They were only having fun, and they’ve been this close before, just not in this position... oh. Yeah, this is more hot than warm, and Robbie basically just said he wanted Querl’s everything. He meant what he said, but he’s suddenly aware of gaping disconnect in the wiring of his brain: everything doesn’t automatically and immediately include sex. Which seems so wrong that Robbie wants to shut it all down before something goes boom.

He backs up abruptly until they’re distinctly not touching, wondering how far is safe when they’ve already gone too far. Brainy wants more someday, and is apologizing because he thinks that Robbie wants more now. When Robbie was finally getting a good grasp on this level of physicality and it felt wild and comfortable at the same time. ]

I wasn’t trying to... I was going to let you go. I wasn’t going to cop a feel. I just, I really wanted to kiss you.

[ He had thought that they were safe from any discussion of a sexual relationship while they were here by mutual and unspoken agreement, because the lack of privacy and constant threat of repercussions makes even what they currently have risky.

The door has apparently changed the equation, because sex just walked in and demanded to be noticed. ]

It wasn’t supposed to be so... big. I didn’t think. I’m not rushing you. We - you have time.

[ Saying “I’m not ready for that”, with how he’s been acting, seems like a cruel joke. Robbie won’t admit that he misunderstood the signals he was sending, not when Querl’s struggling to find the right words when he normally has a few hundred queued up before his mouth can fully open.

No way he’s leaving him alone out on that limb. He’ll catch up. He has before, on wanting to be more than friends. And on kissing. He hadn’t thought about how all those dramatic door kisses lead to sexual encounters or were interrupted on the way to sexual encounters, but he is now, and matching Querl’s blush.

That’s a good sign, right? If he can get embarrassed over superimposing them into a soap opera bedroom scene, complete with cheesy ballad, then... he’s not broken. ]

And, if you’re never ready, that’s okay. I don’t expect anything, that’s the upside to thinking you deserve better. I think any of your attention’s a gift, and I’m not sorry either. I thought it’d get better if we got closer, but the more I like you, it’s like you get more unattainable but already attained. I’m not beating myself up over thinking you’re amazing. That’s how you wound up getting kissed in the first place.

Edited 2021-01-29 20:01 (UTC)

[Brainy is perplexed when Robbie withdraws, and then concerned that he's overstepped a boundary, but when Robbie starts apologizing he understands what was going on.]

Robbie, you really must stop assuming so often that your attention is unwelcome.

The reason I made it clear that I wasn't ready was so you understood I wasn't angling for any...activity. Either.

[Now he's the green equivalent of beet red.]

I didn't say it because I thought you wanted to overstep boundaries. You have my full trust. I know that you would never hurt me in that way. I know that you would give me space in an instant if I needed it and respect my every wish. I didn't think you were trying to pressure me and I wanted to say what I was feeling without making you feel that I was pressuring you.

[His face is the picture of gentleness, no traces of the careful, closed, clinical mask he sometimes wears.]

You weren't making me feel uncomfortable. Quite the opposite.

It was...expression. [He holds a hand to his chest.] After the...the trials, after confronting how much I was punished for having emotions when I was young - and then judged for supposedly having none...

[He shakes his head.]

It's liberating to feel something and to know someone won't stab a laser cutter between my ribs if I express it.

[He reaches his hand out to gently take Robbie's in his own, trying to hook it with a gentle swing and just a few fingers - if Robbie will let him.]

And you deserve to feel cared for. Precious.

Wanted.

If certain ways of expressing that want are uncomfortable, obviously I can avoid them. I don't want to make you uncomfortable, either.

But I wanted you to know how much I think your attention is a gift.

[His next words are a little more hesitant, because it's hard to be this vulnerable, even after all the therapy, even after seeing his tormentors punished. There is still that little voice in his head that says 'don't say it, saying it is dangerous, repress, repress, repress.']

I - I wanted you to know what you provoke in me. Beautiful things. That I was too damaged to let myself feel for a very long time.

Edited 2021-01-30 03:52 (UTC)

You weren’t?

[ A knot in his throat untwists. No subtle prepping for the future, then. No secret messages or hidden codes. Robbie doesn’t know why he was worried: they don’t even know how to play games in a relationship. He’s let his hang-ups ruin something sweet for... nothing.

Querl’s attempt to catch his hand meets no resistance. Robbie has explanations, excuses, for why he has such a difficult time with attention and being held in any esteem, but he clams up at the repeated reassurance. This... isn’t the time to explain it’s partly a feeling of being a fifth wheel, of always being the one seeking companionship and never being sought that has nothing to do with his worse demons.

Querl seeks him. Trusts him. Robbie’s fingers tighten on Querl’s hand as he listens, until his whole arm is locked and shaking. ]

You’re not damaged.

[ A stubborn, insistent rasp. It’s not funny, happy, or cheerleading. It’s how he sounds when he’s punch-drunk and fighting to hold a line until help arrives. This is what matters to him. ]

This needs to stop. We aren’t freaks. Or broken. We’re just... different. Thinking I’m messed up, it just makes me mess up more, but you make me want beautiful things. Like when you laugh, and I just want to, I don’t know. Own it, touch you, stand up and tell everyone that I made you laugh. Because it’s beautiful and I’ve done something right , and then I immediately fucked it up over nothing because we’re on the same stupid page. I want - can you be blunt with me? All the time?

[ Brainy’s Robbie’s safe place. He knows that Brainy wants to be around him. Brainy makes it clear when he wants to be alone. And more than that, Robbie knows that Brainy won’t give up on him. Won’t loose track of him. He just needs a little more of that steady reassurance. ]

I’m not saying don’t express your emotions. I want the opposite. Unfiltered and plain. Don’t make it delicate. Don’t give me room for doubt. Is... is that something I can ask for? I don’t want to ask for too much.

I will always be honest with you, Robbie. That includes when I want something, or when I feel something.

[Brainy reaches his other hand up to cup Robbie's face.]

Or when something is making me uncomfortable. You'll know, before it becomes something damaging for other of us. And I'll make sure it's as direct as possible.

[A pause.]

I'm not exactly known for being delicate.

[He's often kind but still...blunt.]

Edited 2021-02-01 04:15 (UTC)

BRAINIAC 5

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I stole this icon and I’m not sorry.

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