Agent North

[bothbarrels]

● Agent North Dakota | Andrew Engelsen
Theta likes dealing with the messages so just leave something appropriate for him to respond to.
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[bothbarrels]

Mm, yeah. I think I kind of fell into a pattern with it, lifelong, though. Being angry and fucked up when I drink. That's how...

[ He frowns slightly, though he doesn't stop affectionately rubbing York's head. ]

Well. My dad. He was kind of an asshole.

[infailtration]

[ That's how... what? York's brow furrows slightly too, as he watches North's expression. ]

You never mentioned that before.

[bothbarrels]

Don't like talking about it, I suppose. He only drank on his days off but boy, did he drink then. I kind of turned into his dad then. When he needed to get to bed or...to the bathroom. That kind of thing.

[ He no longer sounds amused. If York were to look at him now, he'd see that North is looking off into the middle distance. He's silent for a good long moment. ]

He worked thirds. Mom worked seconds, waiting tables. God, did she hate it that he spent so much on alcohol. She busted her ass and he...he...

Well.

[ He sniffs. ]

I know it's a big joke, that 'I learned it by watching you' thing, but...

[infailtration]

[ York didn't expect things to take this turn, honestly. He's quiet for a moment, then sits up to look his friend in the eye. ]

Hey. I'm sorry things were like that. But you don't have to be.

[bothbarrels]

[ He shakes his head. ]

It's like...it's like...

[ He has stopped fiddling with York's hair. ]

You know when you get in a rut? I mean like, physically. When the wheels are in a rut. It's really hard to get out.

[infailtration]

[ Yes, he knows what a rut is. But not what North is getting at, not exactly. ]

How does that relate to this? Specifically, I mean, it seems like you have something in particular on your mind.

[bothbarrels]

The drinking, I meant. How I act then.

[ He scoffs slightly. ]

It doesn't matter. I just tend to avoid it unless I feel like I need to get mad about stuff because that's what's going to happen.

[ He runs his hand over York's head, pats at the hair a bit. ]

I don't know how to stop it so I don't try anymore.

[infailtration]

[ York catches North's wrist, then grips his hand. ]

...this'll sound cliche as fuck, but admitting it's a problem for you too is a good thing. So is avoiding it. You aren't doomed to those behaviors.

[bothbarrels]

[ He shakes his head, actually tries to remove his hand from York's grip for half a second. ]

I don't know how to stop it. So I just...

[ There's a long pause, then: ]

Anyway.

[ A forced chuckle. ]

That's not what you wanted to hear about, right?

[infailtration]

[ Yeah buddy, you're not going to be able to just pretend this conversation didn't happen, sorry. York will let him pull back but isn't letting it go yet. ]

North, this is important. You're allowed to have problems and deserve to find healthy ways to deal with them. 'So you just' what?

[bothbarrels]

[ He lets out a sound, which is either a high, breathless, hopeless chuckle, or a sound of exasperation—even he's not sure which. ]

I don't want to talk about this anymore.

[ Yet, the next thing that comes out of his mouth is: ]

Did you and your dad ever get into a fistfight?

[ Yes, he knows his adolescence was not normal, nor was the way he ended up coping with it, yet he has to ask. ]

[infailtration]

[ Is this denial or just...? York doesn't get it. His face scrunches briefly but he answers the question, hoping that things circle back around and they can deal with North's alcohol problem. All he can do if they don't talk about it is discourage the drinking and that doesn't feel like enough. ]

My parents died in the war when I was eleven and I wound up with just a foster mom. So, no.

[bothbarrels]

[ Goddamn it. He cradles York's head in his hand. ]

Sorry, I didn't mean to act like my problems were the only problems. There's a reason I don't talk about this stuff.

[infailtration]

[ York pulls back slightly, trying to get North to refocus. ]

Your problem is one we can actually do something about, it's what I'd rather focus on. Over something I came to terms with over a decade ago.

Why don't you want to talk about it? You told me.

[bothbarrels]

I can handle this stuff, that's why. It was supposed to be entertaining talk and I just let it get off of that.

[ He lowers his hand to York's shoulder. ]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to put you in an awkward spot, dealing with my bullshit.

[infailtration]

[ Except he just said he couldn't handle it. York just eyes him for a moment, then gives him the verbal equivalent of a good hard shake. ]

It's not an awkward spot, you're my friend and I want to help. But you're not going to get away with 'oh I can handle it' with me when you just admitted you don't know how to. That's just...

[ He searches for a word. ]

...not denial, obviously...

[ He's looking for "repression." ]

[bothbarrels]

[ He frowns, looking York in the eyes for a moment. He draws in a slow, deep breath. ]

You've got to understand that I've only ever talked about this once and it was with that asshole.

[ He lowers his hand to his side and turns his head. ]

Dad didn't beat us or anything. But there was this one time he wouldn't listen to me about staying in instead of running out to buy beer and we got into it. I think he had kind of given up on ever being any kind of a good dad and he also kind of got to where he didn't like us. You know. As people.

[infailtration]

I understand that, but I'm not going to think of you any differently for having trouble with something.

[ After that reassurance he's listening, and really all he has to say about it is: ]

All of that is shitty. It's like you didn't really have a parent, you know?

[bothbarrels]

I know.

[ He sighs, glancing at York again, and then rests his head back on the wall with a slight thump and a groan. ]

South would probably kill me if she knew I was telling you about this stuff. Not the fun stuff, the crappy part.

[infailtration]

It's your history, too, and not specifically about her. You can talk about it with people you trust. And if it makes you feel better, I'm not going to tell her.

[ He puts the book aside and shifts to sit with his back against the wall, too. ]

I'm a little more worried about the effects you're still dealing with now, though.

[bothbarrels]

[ He glances at his friend, not moving to renew the contact between them. ]

How so?

[infailtration]

It seemed like it was bothering you?

[bothbarrels]

Oh.

[ He thought York had meant more to his remark than that. Well, it was okay. He was the one who always had other people's backs and he knows York's willing to have his if he needs it, but: ]

I'll be all right. It's just on my mind because...you know. [ He waves at the door. ] That asshole.

[infailtration]

...North.

[ York sighs. ]

You don't have to be all right all the time. Not with me.

[bothbarrels]

Okay.

[ He bumps York's shoulder with his. ]

But I'm okay. Really.

[ He brings his hands together, beginning to fidget with his nails, looking down at his hands. ]

I appreciate you being willing to listen.