goneawaycomms | Agent North

[ Yeah buddy, you're not going to be able to just pretend this conversation didn't happen, sorry. York will let him pull back but isn't letting it go yet. ]

North, this is important. You're allowed to have problems and deserve to find healthy ways to deal with them. 'So you just' what?

[ He lets out a sound, which is either a high, breathless, hopeless chuckle, or a sound of exasperation—even he's not sure which. ]

I don't want to talk about this anymore.

[ Yet, the next thing that comes out of his mouth is: ]

Did you and your dad ever get into a fistfight?

[ Yes, he knows his adolescence was not normal, nor was the way he ended up coping with it, yet he has to ask. ]

[ Is this denial or just...? York doesn't get it. His face scrunches briefly but he answers the question, hoping that things circle back around and they can deal with North's alcohol problem. All he can do if they don't talk about it is discourage the drinking and that doesn't feel like enough. ]

My parents died in the war when I was eleven and I wound up with just a foster mom. So, no.

Edited 2021-01-16 19:18 (UTC)

[ Goddamn it. He cradles York's head in his hand. ]

Sorry, I didn't mean to act like my problems were the only problems. There's a reason I don't talk about this stuff.

Edited 2021-01-16 19:21 (UTC)

[ York pulls back slightly, trying to get North to refocus. ]

Your problem is one we can actually do something about, it's what I'd rather focus on. Over something I came to terms with over a decade ago.

Why don't you want to talk about it? You told me.

I can handle this stuff, that's why. It was supposed to be entertaining talk and I just let it get off of that.

[ He lowers his hand to York's shoulder. ]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to put you in an awkward spot, dealing with my bullshit.

[ Except he just said he couldn't handle it. York just eyes him for a moment, then gives him the verbal equivalent of a good hard shake. ]

It's not an awkward spot, you're my friend and I want to help. But you're not going to get away with 'oh I can handle it' with me when you just admitted you don't know how to. That's just...

[ He searches for a word. ]

...not denial, obviously...

[ He's looking for "repression." ]

[ He frowns, looking York in the eyes for a moment. He draws in a slow, deep breath. ]

You've got to understand that I've only ever talked about this once and it was with that asshole.

[ He lowers his hand to his side and turns his head. ]

Dad didn't beat us or anything. But there was this one time he wouldn't listen to me about staying in instead of running out to buy beer and we got into it. I think he had kind of given up on ever being any kind of a good dad and he also kind of got to where he didn't like us. You know. As people.

Edited 2021-01-16 19:50 (UTC)

I understand that, but I'm not going to think of you any differently for having trouble with something.

[ After that reassurance he's listening, and really all he has to say about it is: ]

All of that is shitty. It's like you didn't really have a parent, you know?

I know.

[ He sighs, glancing at York again, and then rests his head back on the wall with a slight thump and a groan. ]

South would probably kill me if she knew I was telling you about this stuff. Not the fun stuff, the crappy part.

It's your history, too, and not specifically about her. You can talk about it with people you trust. And if it makes you feel better, I'm not going to tell her.

[ He puts the book aside and shifts to sit with his back against the wall, too. ]

I'm a little more worried about the effects you're still dealing with now, though.

[ He glances at his friend, not moving to renew the contact between them. ]

How so?

It seemed like it was bothering you?

Oh.

[ He thought York had meant more to his remark than that. Well, it was okay. He was the one who always had other people's backs and he knows York's willing to have his if he needs it, but: ]

I'll be all right. It's just on my mind because...you know. [ He waves at the door. ] That asshole.

...North.

[ York sighs. ]

You don't have to be all right all the time. Not with me.

Edited 2021-01-16 22:14 (UTC)

Okay.

[ He bumps York's shoulder with his. ]

But I'm okay. Really.

[ He brings his hands together, beginning to fidget with his nails, looking down at his hands. ]

I appreciate you being willing to listen.

[ York doesn't look or sound especially convinced. He watches North fidget worriedly. ]

If you did have a problem, would you tell me?

[ There's a silence—too long of one, North realizes, but he's not sure what to say. He's too used to relying on himself anymore. ]

I trust you, York.

[ Which is a true statement. It's also not an answer.

Or maybe it is one. He rests his head back again. ]

Isn't it weird how we're the best friends either of us had in the Project but we hardly know anything about one another? I'm not even sure I know your first name. It's Josh, right?

That's not an answer.

[ Because it isn't. You can trust someone and still not tell them things. But York just sighs and answers the question. ]

It's not that weird, considering. And yes, my name's Josh. I told you that a really long time ago, though, like right at the beginning. I think it was actually an accident, I wasn't used to introducing myself as York yet.

You're right. It's not an answer.

[ He shrugs, sighing, and gives York another shoulder bump, but stays put there this time. ]

I'm just not used to paying any attention to it when I'm struggling with something. I usually have a shit-ton of other crap on my mind at the same time.

I'm Andrew, by the way.

Maybe that means you should unload some of that crap, before it builds up and overwhelms you?

Just saying.

[ He nods a little. ]

Which do you prefer these days?

From you? Andrew's good. I only let South call me Drew. You might be able to get away with it if you're good.

Never call me Andy.

[ He's back to messing with his fingernails. He'd attempted a teasing tone when he was talking about nicknames but it had once again come out flat. ]

Ah. I guess Theta wants to talk to you?

Edited 2021-01-16 22:58 (UTC)

[ Andrew it is, then. York's lips quirk at the 'if you're good' because hey, he's always good. Sort of. But then North says Theta wants him and he's curious about what for. ]

What's up, Theta?

[ Theta projects and glances over at North. ]

He knows what I'm going to say.

[ North gives a small headshake, the same kind of headshake he gives when South is being exasperating. Nevertheless, Theta continues: ]

North is always trying to help people and he doesn't like to think about himself. But the thing is that he doesn't actually like himself very much? Because he has weaknesses he thinks he should be able to just 'get over'.

[ North looks toward Theta, a frown line creasing his brow. ]

That's not quite what you said you were going to say, Theta.

[ York tilts his head at Theta, who's said what North wouldn't -- or couldn't. ]

I knew the first part. He does know weaknesses are human, right? And that usually it takes help to get over them? Like I don't believe he'd think badly of someone else for needing help sometimes.

[ He glances back at North. ]

Would you judge me?

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