goneawaycomms | Agent North

[ She blinks at him, a little. That... shouldn't be a comfort, hearing him say that, but it is, in its own fucked up way. ]

Not that, not a fucking... experiment. [ Her lip curls with disgust at the word. ] Just... I fucking knew they were fucking favouring you. I knew it but I felt like I was going fucking insane because... no one else saw it that way. Because I'm the insubordinate one, the bitch, so clearly it was all just... just...

Edited 2021-01-14 20:30 (UTC)

It does shed a whole new light on things.

[ He had talked her through so many tantrums, and he'd advised her to stop being so insubordinate time after time. But he'd had no idea that hadn't been the dominant factor in their decision-making. ]

I feel... I feel terrible, now, realizing this. I tried so hard to help you, but...I think it wouldn't have made a difference even if you'd followed my advice.

[ He looks at her, looks at the distance between them. There's been a distance between them for far too long, and it wasn't even his fault. That's what he'd always worried about, that it was all his fault. ]

[ She swallows and makes herself keep her eyes on him, forces herself not to look away. ]

Probably not. [ She snorts quietly, but it's lacking her usual attitude. ] Don't think I could've done anything 'right'. I... I talked to Delta a little, after [ she'd hated to, but she couldn't leave it at what he'd said; she had to know more ] the whole fucking thing was a show. I always thought...

I don't know. I don't know, Drew, I... fuck. [ Her voice quietens. ] I don't even know what's me and what's them, now. What the fuck. What the fuck.

[ She hates that. She thought she knew where she stood, she thought she'd got it all figured out. She thought this was all the logical conclusion of the resentment she'd built up toward him over the years. But what if it hadn't been? ]

Yeah.

[ His eyes are now trained on her and he speaks quietly, gently, the way he always does when he's trying to calm her or talk her through something. ]

We got to a point where we only ever called each other by our code names. I feel like... I feel like...

[ He frowns. ]

They were always in the middle of us, at least once the AIs started being assigned.

[ He blinks, pausing, thinking. ]

You wouldn't have sacrificed me if not for Theta.

[ It's a question, but it's not phrased as one. ]

[ South takes a moment to process the words, let the thought turn around in her head, before surprising herself with a firm: ]

Never. [ Her eyes widen just a little and she huffs, to save face. ] I told you, you weren't meant to... I just thought if it took Theta we could finally fucking get out of there. Get away.

[ It feels stupid, now. North wouldn't have let Theta go so easily no matter what, she knows that, but it had been a last ditch effort to try and 'fix' things. ]

[ He nods with a short jerk of his head. He's hurt on Theta's behalf, as well as being able to feel Theta's own hurt at her words. They both knew this, but it hurts to have it said baldly. ]

I've explained this to you before, Nat, but Theta was created from a human mind. He's not a machine. He might as well be my son, for as close as we've gotten to be.

[ He retreats into himself for a moment—something she's sure to recognize. He's talking to Theta internally. That only lasts for a moment, though. ]

He's asking questions about this, but I told him it's best to wait until you and I have this hashed out on our end.

[ He gives her a serious look, long and hard. ]

I would never. have given him up to save myself. Do you understand that?

[ She flinches, just a little. His son. Right. She knew that, really. She's seen enough of how close they are to understand that. It's just... strange to hear it aloud.

She blanked out a lot of what he said about Theta, over the years, too stubborn to let it sink in. She'd made up her mind about the AI and it's hard to shake that even now, even after everything both York and North have said about them. But she does know one thing. ]

Yes, Drew, I understand that. I... I think I knew even then. I was just...

[ Desperate. It doesn't justify a thing, but it's the truth. ]

You sure were.

[ He draws in a deep breath, then sighs. ]

I think we can fix this. But it's going to take time. A lot of time. And work.

[ He forgave Washington for killing her—at least out loud—and he should be able to forgive his own sister for this. He thinks. ]

[ South nods, sharp and tight. ]

Guess it's lucky we're stuck together, then. [ It's meant to be a joke, but it comes out without any humour and she sighs. ] Drew, I...

[ She bites her tongue sharply, caught between herself and who she's trying so hard not to be. It's almost a full minute before she actually gets the words out: ]

I'm... sorry.

[ His reply is soft. ]

That's good to know.

[ He doesn't like how long it took her to say that, but at least she said it. ]

[ Vulnerability and admitting her faults have never been South's strong suits. It's a strain, letting down the front she's so used to maintaining, even around North. Especially around North, after everything. ]

I mean it. And... fuck. [ She drags her good hand over her face, through her hair. ] Look, this... I know I'm the one who went fucking nuclear here, okay, I know that, but... whatever happens, it's... it's not just me who's gotta work on shit, you... know that, right?

[ She's ready to throw those walls back up a second's notice, looking at him warily. ]

I...

[ He watches her for a moment. He knows that this situation has been coming from both ends but he also knows he's sort of blind to his own faults. ]

I believe you. I'm just...

[ He frowns and pushes his hand through his hair. ]

I'm not saying I believed myself to be a perfect angel. It's just hard for me to see it from your point of view.

[ He shifts forward on the bed, so he's a bit closer to her. ]

Please...tell me what I need to do.

[ She takes a deep breath, dropping her head into her hand for a moment, then looks up and looks him in the face. Really looks at him, the look in her eyes open and vulnerable. ]

You gotta fuckin... hear me, Drew. You sit there and listen and talk me through shit but half the time I don't think you ever really hear what I'm saying. Like...

All that shit in the Project. Their experiment. [ She all but hisses the word. ] I'd get so angry and you'd sit there and tell me what I should do, try and calm me down, but you didn't... you didn't get it. I don't know.

[ She's never tried to put this in words, before, but she's trying now. ]

[ He pauses, nodding slightly. ]

Okay. We'll have to watch for a situation where something's happening and you tell me if I do the same thing again.

And... and sometimes it feels like you still look at me like that bratty little kid from back home. But I'm not. And you know I'm not, just... sometimes, I think you forget that, because you think you have to... to look out for me like I'm that fucking kid getting into fights on the playground again.

[ She snorts quietly, tilts her head a little at him. ]

Y'know, sometimes, I started fights with kids because I heard them talking shit about you. Funny how things change.

[ He smiles—just a ghost of a smile, a slight upturn at the corners of his mouth. ]

Well, hey, that's a good cause, then.

[ He reaches across now to take her good hand and give it a slight squeeze. ]

You know what neither of us has said in a hell of a long time?

[ There's a moment of tenseness at the contact, but it fades and she squeezes back, a little firmer. She cocks her head at him. ]

What's that?

"I love you."

[ He squeezes back again. more firmly to match her movement. ]

Love you, Nat. You drive me crazy sometimes, but I love you.

...I love you too, Drew.

[ And if her voice is a little thick, if it takes her a second to say it and not just look at him with a stunned stare, then it's because of the way the words settle in her chest after everything.

After what Washington said, about how there was no one left out there that would so much as care if she died. ]

Guess we kinda drive each other nuts, huh.

[ He smiles more broadly. ]

We couldn't be more different, to be honest.

[ South gives an amused snort and can't help her own smile, teasing: ]

No kidding. How the fuck are we twins?

[ He shrugs, releasing her hand. ]

Some would probably argue that is why we're like that.

Yeah, probably.

[ Her hand hovers where he let go, for a second, before she pulls it back. She looks at it for a second, curls the hand into a fist, then looks up at him and before she can talk herself out of it, she shuffles off the edge of her bed and kneels between the bunks, with her arms open. Offering a hug.

If he doesn't accept it, she tells herself that it'll sting but she'll survive. Only, she's thinking back to that day he picked her up from the snow and she clung to his back, about how long it had been since they'd so much as hugged. ]

[ He's surprised but not to the point he'll reject her. He curls his arms around her and gives her a firm hug. ]

I'm so glad you came here. Not because I want you to have to deal with the company or anything, but because of us having the chance to sort these things out.

[ She wraps her arms around him in turn, buries her face in his shoulder, and a little bit of the tension that resides permanently in South's muscles fades. ]

...yeah. Yeah me too. I'm glad you're not... y'know.

[ Dead anymore.

There's a little wetness in her eyes that she wipes off on his clothes as discretely as she can. She holds no illusions that anything will ever be simple, not for them; but she never wanted him dead. Even if it took all of this for her to even allow enough vulnerability to admit it. ]

And, Drew? [ muffled in his shoulder ] If you tell any of the others I'm going soft, I swear...

Agent North

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