"I tried! I fucking tried! I spent months fucking trying and he promised me we were being honest with each other whilst letting me believe a fucking lie the whole time and now I don't even know if I can trust him if he says he wants me back in his life anyway because then— then how am I supposed to know anything's changed?!"
It comes out in a single breath and she slumps, shoulders shaking.
"A-At least if he disowns me I know he's doing something. I-I betrayed him, his own fucking twin, and he hasn't processed any of it. He's spent months not thinking about it because he knew it'd change things, he knew he wouldn't be able to fucking look at me the same and— and now he's hurting and it's all my fault, like it's always been my fault."
She swipes at her face, but trying to stop the tears is futile. She can try and fight the sobs, even hold some of them back, but the tears are out of her control.
"I-I was always a fucking problem. I've always been the fucking problem, the problem he's been trying to solve his whole fucking life. I caused him nothing but trouble while he tried to look out for me, mopped up after our fucking dad, ran the fucking house, and I resented him for it because everyone wanted me to be like him so I got. worse. Over and over again. And he kept looking out for me, because I was his baby fucking sister. But I'm not a fucking kid anymore, I'm a fucking monster who got him killed and I don't even think he fucking loves me anymore. Not the real me. Not—"
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. She bites her own fist to try and ground herself, because the more she says the more pitiful she feels, the more exposed she feels. It’s years of bullshit released all at once and maybe it needs to be, but she’s never talked about this kind of shit with anyone but North until now, until he’s the only one she can’t talk to.
no subject
"I tried! I fucking tried! I spent months fucking trying and he promised me we were being honest with each other whilst letting me believe a fucking lie the whole time and now I don't even know if I can trust him if he says he wants me back in his life anyway because then— then how am I supposed to know anything's changed?!"
It comes out in a single breath and she slumps, shoulders shaking.
"A-At least if he disowns me I know he's doing something. I-I betrayed him, his own fucking twin, and he hasn't processed any of it. He's spent months not thinking about it because he knew it'd change things, he knew he wouldn't be able to fucking look at me the same and— and now he's hurting and it's all my fault, like it's always been my fault."
She swipes at her face, but trying to stop the tears is futile. She can try and fight the sobs, even hold some of them back, but the tears are out of her control.
"I-I was always a fucking problem. I've always been the fucking problem, the problem he's been trying to solve his whole fucking life. I caused him nothing but trouble while he tried to look out for me, mopped up after our fucking dad, ran the fucking house, and I resented him for it because everyone wanted me to be like him so I got. worse. Over and over again. And he kept looking out for me, because I was his baby fucking sister. But I'm not a fucking kid anymore, I'm a fucking monster who got him killed and I don't even think he fucking loves me anymore. Not the real me. Not—"
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. She bites her own fist to try and ground herself, because the more she says the more pitiful she feels, the more exposed she feels. It’s years of bullshit released all at once and maybe it needs to be, but she’s never talked about this kind of shit with anyone but North until now, until he’s the only one she can’t talk to.